September 13, 2005
INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended!
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Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
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Diagnosis
"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.
"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civvy street to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."
"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."
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Canada Aids the US Against Iraq
It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets.
However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.
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2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. You can legally kill yourself
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
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September 12, 2005
It's adult, so I put it beneath the fold. more...
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to
get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The
clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my
eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure
way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it
requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and
only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each
breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says. " Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?'
The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's".
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Love it when readers contribute to the mix!
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September 11, 2005
I thought that they deserved to be broadcast to a wider audience, so I stole borowed them to put up here (beats writing my own satire, anyway
).
Take it away Rev. Mike!
CONFIDENTIAL
(LetÂ’s keep this just between us)
It is now just ten days since Katrina struck the Gulf coast. Untold thousands of the poor and downtrodden members of society died in this catastrophe while hundreds of thousands more languish in temporary shelters across this nation. But all ready something ugly and vile is threatening our ability to capitalize on this human tragedy.
Recently it has become apparent to me that certain rogue elements in the mainstream media, as well as cable news and Internet Bloggers are determined to derail our righteous efforts to destroy the Bush Administration by deliberately and recklessly reporting the facts.
I cannot stress this enough; we cannot, we must not, we will not allow the facts to get between us and what we know to our very core, is right.
Here is what I see as some of our biggest hurdles and some solutions:
1.Lt. General Honore. This charismatic and capable African-American must be discredited immediately! This Race-traitorÂ’s continued and fervent defense of the Federal response must not be allowed to continue. He must quickly and effectively be painted with the same brush we have used on Condaloser Rice and Collin (clever epithet not currently available) Powell. I recommend we put Al and Jesse on this ASAP.
2.We must, with all due haste, ratchet up our Rhetoric and disinformation machine. Remember, a half-truth in our favor is morally superior to the actual truth if it favors or enemies. Example: The USS Bataan, a Navy hospital ship, to this day sits off the coast of New Orleans with hundreds of empty hospital beds! It in no way helps our cause to mention that the reason for this is that as early as last Tuesday the Medical personnel were move into the city where they could do the most good.
3.A Total lie in our favor is also morally superior to a truth that benefits our enemies. Example: Randall Robinson posted an article in The Huffington Post in which he stated that it had been reported that “ black survivors had begun eating corpses to survive”. The ONLY thing Randal did wrong was to post this morally superior article a mere four days after the tragedy. Had he waited, he may not have had to retract it.
Which brings me to my final and most important point.
4.Race, race, race, race, race! This is our strongest and most easily defensible weapon. Remember, Racism never has to be proved, only alleged. Kudos to Kanye, Diddy, Jayzee, Al, Jesse, and all the rest. Now is not the time to rest on our laurels. As more and more facts come to light we need to fight back and hammer those racist bastards mercilessly. If the artificially maintained racial divide in this country is ever healed we are completely screwed as a movement.
Well thatÂ’s a start folks. Its time to roll up our sleeves and get to work. Obfuscation and misrepresentation are not easy tasks, but it beats having to actually be right, and they are our best weapon against the racist, warmongering, puppy killing, Nazi Right.
Peace
Now to all those good folks out there; compare the above with whats being broadcast on the public airwaves.......(How DID one of ours infiltrate the DNC?!?)
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So there I was, just sitting around minding my own business, when along comes a mad scientist, looking for his next He said something about studying the course of evolution...unfortunately, his pet managed to get caught in the reversal field with me, and the results do NOT make me happy at all, no sir.
Anyone know where I can find some banana flavored kibble?
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September 09, 2005
A blonde secretary in Pennsylvania decides she want to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart Greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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September 08, 2005
Just a taste:
ROBERTS: I'm not sure that Return of the Jedi can be cited as an authoritative Constitutional text.
SCHUMER: Well, I'm sure the thousands of dead in New Orleans will be happy to hear that answer, Judge Roberts.
ROBERTS: If I can just explain--
SCHUMER: Time's up, Judge Roberts.
ROBERTS: But--
SCHUMER: Can it. I've got to do Paula Zahn in an hour and I can't waste any more time with a man who thinks our Founding Fathers wanted thousands of black people to die in horrible floods.
Would that I had Ace's satirical talent.....
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Somehow, I doubt that Tiger Woods has anything to fear as of yet..
We've all heard the assertions from the German Greens that Bush was responsible for hurricane Katrina....Seems that the Green party is truly serious about their dedication to environmental and animal rights though, here's the newest member of their elite motorcycle guard for protection of Party dignitaries:
And speaking of environmentalism, Here is Japan's newest contribution to eco-friendly vehicles, the Cowasaki 2006. Gets 5 miles to the bale of hay!
On a sadder note, famed rock fan Harv Whatadork died last week...here's a list of his accomplishments:
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September 07, 2005
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... " then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?"
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& go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy & Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home & started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off & said, "Georgie, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.
Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane & Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy & Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy
was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
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September 04, 2005
I feel sorry for "True Blue", I can't IMAGINE the strain it must be to stay in character as well as she does. I mean writing the memes are easy, all you have to do is read/watch any MSM outlet and you'll know the meme du jour, but to maintain the fiction as convincingly as she does that these are her true thoughts and opinions as well is truly is truly the mark of an excellant fiction writer.
Sorry Blue, I just can't write anything mean about you, so I guess joining your "blacklist" is just a dream to be hoped for in some distant future.
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Have you heard these people say they gave or
will give 110%?
I've aways wondered how you could give more than a 100%.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants
you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Now I know;from a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this;
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty
that, While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing
that will put you over the top!
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August 31, 2005
As luck would have it, it was a Saudi holiday, so the judge said, "Because it's a holiday you will each recieve 20 lashes and be let go.
It is customary to grant one wish before punishment. The Brit thinks and says, "Strap a pillow on my back." They do, but it only holds for 10 lashes.
The Frenchman sees this, and requests two pillows on his back. These only hold for 15 lashes.
The judge turns to the American and says "Because you are from such a respectable country, you get 2 wishes."
The American replies, "I wish to be flogged 100 times, not 20." The judge thinks this is very honerable and asks "And your second?"
The American answers "Strap the Frenchman to my back."
H/T to Linda S
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Still Bogart isn't a bad guy to be like....
| Humphrey Bogart You scored 52% Tough, 9% Roguish, 33% Friendly, and 4% Charming! |
| You're the original man of honor, rough and tough but willing to stick your neck out when you need to, despite what you might say to the contrary. You're a complex character full of spit and vinegar, but with a soft heart and a tender streak that you try to hide. There's usually a complicated dame in the picture, someone who sees the real you behind all the tough talk and can dish it out as well as you can. You're not easy to get next to, but when you find the right partner, you're caring and loyal to a fault. A big fault. But you take it on the chin and move on, nursing your pain inside and maintaining your armor...until the next dame walks in. Or possibly the same dame, and of all the gin joints in all the world, it had to be yours. Co-stars include Ingrid Bergman and Lauren Bacall, hot chicks with problems.
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August 30, 2005Yeah, she's a normal grieveing mom
 Media whore? Who, MOI?!?
Thanks Misha, for letting me
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August 29, 2005Tour de France Scandal Update
PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.
The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."
Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and a testicle.
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Strange Quotes
"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving."
~Henny Youngman.
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown
"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night."
"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid
"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
==================================
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COP'S CAR WITH A MESSAGE
The Kane County, Illinois, SheriffÂ’s Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what they ordered was not quite what they got:  This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for (you DON'T say!) the graphics company before he retired.
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August 28, 2005Combat Footage
Subject:
Actual footage of a person being shot at close range.
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