CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:02 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I was walking past the mental hospital the
other day, and all the patients were
shouting, "13...13....13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but
I saw a little gap in the planks and looked
through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting.
"14...14...14...14....".

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:39 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A married couple, both 55 were celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for
being loving to each other for all this time,
I will grant you each a wish.'

'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,' said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof!
Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment, and then said,
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof!

The husband became 85 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:34 PM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
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In response to a number of complaints that Fox doesn't show enough black and hispanic people on the network, Fox has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

H/T to Wild Thing

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:55 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

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(You've gotta love this ...)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:33 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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