Here are ten funnies from GuyK. I'm really gld to have found him; saves me a lot of time searching for stuff to post, when I'm too damned lazy to come up with origianal BS.

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have
written an impressive new book. It's called
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss:
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash
and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded
up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really
chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told
me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

9. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me
a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.

10. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex

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GuyK came up with this little gem. You HAVE to love an ethnic joke that reinforces an unfounded stereotype with such simple elegance.

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some
Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me
ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me
if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would
you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a
taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"

The clerk says "Well, no."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all
right then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because
I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

Then there is the obligitory Gay joke:

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just
put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you.

Put the tray up, Bitch."

AND then there was this one:

Two medical students were walking along the street when
they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has
Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man
surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in
class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you
walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could
yo tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me
what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki
Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought......... but you're
wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:
"I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."

Whenever you need a laugh, or a demonstration of clearheaded political thought, Guy's place should be on your list of places to go.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:02 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY

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I saqw this over at GuyK's place and, of course, I HAD to steal it. HOW does he find them?!?

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and
that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten
my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever
the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and
I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that
came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised
me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you
cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because
the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning
and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter thatyou wrote, you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:52 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Feeling down? Got that bleary, headachey,body not awake thing going?

Well Joel Veitch has some advice to help you rev up and get back to kicki'n it.

I wonder how he got the pics of Darth Monkeybone?

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Well, I couldn't let THIS one pass! It's a political statement, but it's still in the "Humor Saturday" theme...

The Power of Make-up

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A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course. "So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" His father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! - they have had such good results with this program, that they have implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "

His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bi*ch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy"

H/T to Jack

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to
get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the
ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the
wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by
letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist...
He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice
things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to
push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed,
and a nurse was looking down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to
change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in
the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But
if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DARN HOUSE!
I'm sorry. What was your question?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:36 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaking tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. Always remember you're unique..... Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8.. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

16 A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt...Then things get worse.

23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night

24. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

25. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday ...around age 11.

26. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone has stolen tent."

stolen borrowed from GuyK

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:38 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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As much as the ACLU seems to disparage organized religion, You have to admit that sometimes church can provide some good humor. Here are some "unintended comedy" taken from real church bullitens:

Actual Announcements From Church

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, please come early.

3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister
in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.

6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the
service.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.

Strange Cosmos can be a real help when your trying to get inspiration...

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