From my pal Jack Keel:

The idiom "familiarity breeds contempt" meets senility, this is too human not to have a small measure of truth, it's funny.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago , and I'm scared
to death to ask the cranky miserable old bitch what her name is.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:52 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5.. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work..

Play golf.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It's a nursing home situation and Sadie sees a new guy.

Sadie: I haven't seen you before. Where have you been?

New Guy: Actually, I've been in jail for the last 25 years.

Sadie: Really, what were you in jail for?

New Guy: Killing my wife.

Sadie: So you're single!

H/T to MickySolo

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Louisiana.
And he sees a sign in front of a broken down Cajun cabin: "Talking Dog for Sale".
He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
And they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services... the US Army Special Forces.
You know the reputation of them Green Berets.
In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.
So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 human years)
And signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security.
Wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and a awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars"?
This dog is amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's such a liar!
He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Coast Guard!"

(Even at that, the dog has done more for this country than Obama !)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:35 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

H/T To Wayne

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:41 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I'm hearing this second hand; supposedly it was a story on Fox news:

Some pro golfer supposedly said that if a Marine was in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama BinLaden, and he only had 2 bullets in his gun...

...Pelosi would be shot twice, and Reid and BinLaden would be strangled to death.

Like I said, I can't vouch for the veracity of the story, but is sure game ME a beautiful mind picture!

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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they
hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better
than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban
soldiers."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends
them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as
a huge battle is fought.

Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over
the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any
more men, it's a trap !"

"There are two of them."

****************************************************************

"no better friend, no worse enemy" SEMPER FI !

H/T Carl

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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H/T Jack

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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

H/T to my sister

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:50 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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