Three men stood at St. Peter's Gate. awaiting admission to heaven--A Catholic priest,a Baptist minister, and a Charismatic preacher. St. Peter checked his roster and said, "Oh, I'm sorry gentlemen,your quarters are not ready yet. Tell you what I'll do" --

and he got on the phone with Satan and asked if he could accomodate them down there untill their quarters were ready in Heaven. Satan reluctantly agreed.

However at the end of their second day in Hell, Satan contacted St. Peter, saying, "You HAVE GOT to come get these guys---The Catholic is forgiving everybody; the Baptist is saving every one, and the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning!."

H/T to my Mother-in-Law

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:37 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 124 words, total size 1 kb.

Now Catfish has been known to quaff a few brews now and again....in fact religiously, but I never thought it was a TRUE religious piety until he sent me this:

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:52 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 107 words, total size 1 kb.

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can -
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Sure sounds like ME, Catfish.........other than the gender.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:29 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
Post contains 250 words, total size 1 kb.

Dear Friends,

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!" The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles,"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but as I swerved to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!!! If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a vet.

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:22 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This is the hostess for an Italian afternoon T.V. talk show...

And this is the hostess for an American morning T.V. talk show...

To enroll in your nearest language school to learn Italian, call:

Posted by: Erin at 04:38 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 50 words, total size 1 kb.

Frozen Skunk:

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used
to beat him with died at the scene.

Posted by: Erin at 04:28 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 144 words, total size 1 kb.

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk,
takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Posted by: Erin at 04:20 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 140 words, total size 1 kb.

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!

H/T to Catfish

Delftsman3

Posted by: Erin at 03:37 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 198 words, total size 1 kb.