Dave over at Curmudgeonisms has a great fisking of a soft-brained commenter who sounds as if he were a prime example of our Public School System Indoctrination Center, even though he's a product of Merry Olde England..... A good fisk is truly a joy to behold.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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As is the wont of politicians, Bill Clinton has had his official portrait done, so as to have his place in posterity assured in the hall of Presidents.

So without furthur ado, here is the official portrait as it will be hung in Washington:

Stolen"Borrowed from El Zippo the Pirate

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of
the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The old rooster looks
over his shoulder, sees the youngster gaining on him, and really puts on
some speed...

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he
blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit ... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery
will always overcome youth and skill!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a

woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other

side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum

stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's face .... PRICELESS.

Hat tip to Slaglerock

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It's amazing what you can find sometimes when you spend a litle time going through link trees of places that have visited you.

Here's a little thing that would bring joy to a PETA moonbats heart; brings a whole new meaning to their battle cry of "meat kills!".

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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For a little levity, listen to this classic from the old Tonight show. A classic piece of comedy featering Jack Webb and Johny Carson in 1968. It stands the test of time well.
(requires windows media player)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:25 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 As a child i appeared on Candid Camera,they came to my school in New Jersey,and filmed myself and a few classmates talking about road signs,this was about 1967 ,it was shown on The Tonight show sometimein 68 or 69 during an Allen Funt Visit to the the show. Ihave tried to get a clip or trancript from both the Tonight show archives and Candid Camera but they were erased and are part of the lost episodes of both shows. I guess thay was my fiften minutes of fame. So much for my music career I miss the Carson Show and the intro theme most of all. Funny and true story

Posted by: NeilV at February 21, 2005 10:42 PM (YpRpk)

2 There has been a void on late night teevee since he left. Here's a good send-off though, in case you haven't seen it yet: http://curmudgeonisms.blogspot.com/2005/01/better-late-than-never.html

Posted by: Dave S. at February 25, 2005 04:56 AM (xWF8s)

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With all the sadness that was in the couple following posts, I think it's time for just a little levity to boost us from the doldrums.

Go here and listen to something that is sure to bring up a good laugh!

THANK YOU, Jack, I really needed that!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

Another tip of the hat to Slaglerock!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:42 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Can YOU play the piano with your balls?

hat tip to Slaglerock

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:38 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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You just might be a Redneck...If you have a pet named Patches...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:38 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were
given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they
went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they
fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the
whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and
sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole
out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and
then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and
laughed:
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the
height and he gives us the length!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:06 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a
generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen.

For instance, Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is
ibuprophen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive
gives new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs. Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

hat tip to Bob for the humor

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:38 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Sorry for the light posting, but things here have been a little strange....ever since the Big Rat Escape, in fact! I guess having a rat wake you up by crawling across your face just does something to your mind... I guess I could just attribute my writers block to P.T.R.S.* Syndromes of all sorts seem to work for Democrats, might as well join the bandwagon!

The one on the left was just getting off my face when I woke up...and those are just "the girls". Dumpling and Cecelie.

Here are "the boys", Misha and Slagle:

I'm ALMOST used to Misha:

If you EVER go to a pet store and your wife looks at rats and starts cooing "aren't they soooo Cuuuute"? RUN like hell!

*Post Traumatic Rat Syndrome....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Why Men Are Just Happier People -

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
The occasional well-rendered belch is practical! ly expec ted.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood-all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:12 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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I have only two things to say about THIS.....JUST DAMN!

Hat Tip to Acidman

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:48 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Now, HERE'S an example of someone that just isn't very good in his chosen profession.

Too bad the homeowner didn't use a .357 and cap his ass instead of just a rolling pin. Hopefully the jackass will learn a new way of making a living while he's a guest of the graybar hotel.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:53 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Unabashedly stolenborrowed from Romeocat of Cathouse Chat.

Another member to be added to the Empire LC blogroll...

Now if only Mamamontezz displayed such pulchratudnity...she more than makes up for it with her patriotic ardor however!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:50 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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If your in the mood for a great laugh, clickHere

Or, If your more into Eurotrash rather than Queen, go HERE.

Just another service of the Citadel. First we hit you with the Cluebat™, but then then we ease the pain with a laugh.
(
Hat tip to Darth for the second link)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A
slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not
hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like
something. "A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she asks? He declines.
"The
Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants
anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "Naw, I'm still not
hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me
up? I'm starving."

Hat tip to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:49 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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An American tourist in London decides to skip his
tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around,
seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a
pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class
area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no
restaurants, and worst of all.... no public toilets. He really,
really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side
street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by
a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply
cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American,
"but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find
a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along
a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir,
anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most
beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary,
fountains,sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous
flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he
unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the
Bobbie"That was really decent of you. Is that what you
call "British Hospitality?"

"No, sir," replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call
the French Embassy."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:18 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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