There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:32 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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H/T to GuyK

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Garfield on the oil crisis



A lot of folks can't understand how we came To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical .
~~~

Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And Texas
~~~

Our DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC !!!

Any questions ???
NO?

I didn't think so.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:22 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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My favorite ex-B-i-L sent me this little tid-bit and I thought I'd share it with ya'll; it's good to know that, just maybe, there's hope for some randy fun in our "Golden Years" after all. Just plan it well enough that the nursing home staff doesn't catch on!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:16 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.' The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'? 'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.

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Larry gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:58 PM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports
car.

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An oldie, but a goodie:

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

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It was fun being a baby boomer...until now. Some of the artists of the
60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accomodate baby boomers..They
include:

Herman's Hermits---Mrs Brown, you've got a lovely walker

Ringo Starr---I get by with a little help from Depends.

The Bee Gees---How can you mend a broken hip

Bobby Darin---Splish, Splash I was having a flash

Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash---I Can't see Clearly Now

Paul Simon---Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores-- -One, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Marvin Gaye---Heard It Through The Grape Nuts

Procol Harem---A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations- --Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---Denture Queen

Tony Orlando & Dawn---Knock Three Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me
Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson--On The Commode Again

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Via the Dissident Frogman, we get a view from the Eurabian Provence of Fwance on the state of the current election process....wish I had Photo-Shop skills...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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