After getting all of Billy Graham's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Mr. Graham is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Mr. Graham," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says Mr. Graham, "they never let me drive
anymore, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?," protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," s! ays Mr. Graham.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the bac! k as Billy Graham climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, Mr. Graham floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, sir!!!" pleads the worried driver, but Billy keeps the
pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, man, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

Billy pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on
the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: " He's got Billy Graham for a limo driver!"

*********************************
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture .....of handcuffs

*********************************
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:59 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 445 words, total size 3 kb.

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

REPUBLICAN, Believer in Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your
government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks
of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts. Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while
they were in the hospital.

IRAQIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you
pick some fat cow from Arkansas

Hat Tip to SlagleRock

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 587 words, total size 4 kb.

Ever wonder what happens when a computer graphics artist gets bored?

Here's some possible results:

Now THERE'S a ride I'D like to take!

And yes, some Voyeurism:

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 43 words, total size 2 kb.

This is just a humorous parody, if it isn't actually true... :

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed a call to Citibank:

"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery
Hwy 129,

plot number 6 9

Odessa, Texas."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 383 words, total size 3 kb.

To spank or not to spank? That is the question. Personally, I firmly believe that there are some times when children just need a firm swat on the rear to engage their brains to what your trying to put down to them.

Others do have other methods however:

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of America's populace thinks it is very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of"those moments".

One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.

I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Its very effective!

Now THATS really tough love!!!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:54 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 149 words, total size 1 kb.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 223 words, total size 2 kb.

Well, I've posted two "serious" posts, it's time to lighten up with just a little humor, courtesy of Catfish.

Jamaican Fireman

A Jamaican fireman came home from work,
one day and said to his wife,
"Y ' know sumpin, we have a wonderful new
system at de fire station."

"Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
"Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
"Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and
we's ready to go.

From now on,
when I say, 'Bell 1 '
.....I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell 2 '
.....you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell 3 '
.....we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night, he came home and shouted,
"Bell 1 "
.....and the wife stripped naked.
"Bell 2 "
.....and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell 3 "
.....and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out,
"Bell 4 ."

"What de hell is 'Bell 4 '?" he asked.

She replied,
....."Roll out more hose, mon,
you ain't nowhere near da fire!!!!!!!

And here's another one, from Bob:

Cowboy in a Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar two steps when he realizes it's a gay bar.

What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay
waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies." The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,

Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to
be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock!' " And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET, Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer,
but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 533 words, total size 3 kb.

Star Wars Horoscope for Taurus

You are a dependable creature, but you do tend to be stubborn. You like material possessions and love to win at games. You hate being bossed around or losing. You may succumb to your physical strength when upset. Star wars character you are most like: Chewbacca

Hmmmm; Maybe Mamamontezz was right when she called me a big hairy-assed ape?

Surprisingly, the attributes listed do fit me pretty well. Now if someone could just recommend a good barbor.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:22 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 96 words, total size 2 kb.

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura
Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:20 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 148 words, total size 1 kb.

If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged
like these:

Sad! Very, very sad....................

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:43 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 46 words, total size 2 kb.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL of the story: Women mean business. Don't mess with them!!

The female of the species IS truly the more vicious.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:44 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 275 words, total size 2 kb.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand,
I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated,"By check and I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know." said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 209 words, total size 2 kb.

A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting for the city bus.

When the young woman stepped up to board the bus, she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The embarrassed young woman reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus. Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help.

A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed, young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and helped her onto the bus.

As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"

The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda figured that we was friends!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:14 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 160 words, total size 1 kb.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

I was a little disappointed by some of the wording of the questions in this quiz, it was definately skewed from a partisan viewpoint. Yet the results are fairly accurate in my case, a little too high, but not by that much.

H/T to Wanda for the link

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:18 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 75 words, total size 2 kb.

A woman having just realized that her dog could hardly hear, took it to the veterinarian. The vet found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady, that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she should buy someNair Hair Remover and rub a dab carefully in the dog's outer ear, once a month.

The lady finds the Nair at a drugstore and when checking out, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms" to which the druggist says,"If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 171 words, total size 1 kb.

To THIS, All I can say is AMEN!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:57 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 14 words, total size 1 kb.

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me an admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.....

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:46 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 186 words, total size 2 kb.

BUDS & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can
show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening!

Have A Great Day!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:38 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 135 words, total size 1 kb.