Talk Dirty to Me

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Now this is just Minnesota funny

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota ..

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, we think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. We want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish),
Harry and Nancy said to Obama,

"Well, tell us, how is John Mc. cheating?"

Obama replied, "You're not going to believe this,

but he's cutting holes in the ice!"

H/T to Jack and Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:01 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Hey, it fits Bert. Thanks

Posted by: Jack at August 25, 2008 11:29 PM (iwg2A)

2 I like it! It's definitely getting passed on to people I know.

Posted by: Princess Natasha at August 28, 2008 04:18 PM (iCIn6)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

'Nuff said.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:18 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Yeah I KNOW its not PC to make jokes about any minorities, but C'MOOOON, it's not like any blonds will get them and be offended anyway....and LORD knows, I've heard ALL the Dutch jokes I care to.
________________________________________________________________

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Debbie, were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it in.
Debbie, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing
those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.'
Debbie got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

********************************************************************

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter.'

**********************************************************************


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor, 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?'
'No, Silly, 'the blonde said, 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in
the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to
get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

**************************************************************************************

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a
little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and
asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop
out. The room mate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, helloooo!!! You need to roll
up the windows first !!!!'

*****************************************************************************************


A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to
ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!' So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What' s that ?' he asked.
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,'
she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... 'Two Popsicles and some coffee.'

*****************************************************************************


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I
got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry
for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I
have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office,
and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the
blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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If you drive along country roads, you might catch sight of a turtle balanced on top of a fence post, where it clearly didn't get on its own, where it doesn't belong, and where it has no idea what to do. You'll probably wonder what kind of jackasses put it up there. It is only a matter of time before it falls. Most likely you'll want to help the poor dumb thing down.
Remind you of anyone?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'
The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

'See you tomorrow Sir.

(May the answer ever stay the same !!)

Thanks for the link Sis !

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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