Who says Canucks don't have a sense of Humor?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained
it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the
flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little
girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Here's a bit of an oldie, but it's STILL a goody!

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay.
Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way!
It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a
drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy! , realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that
you'd be happy about it."

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on

Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself!

H/T To Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:57 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Great bit of unintended humor at GuyK's. Folks, you just can't make up stuff like this....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:45 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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39 Things You Should Have Learned By Now

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Thanks Sis!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A man who just died is delivered to an Oxford, Mississippi mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Rebel mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in Ole Miss blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit with a whiteshirt.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit with a white shirt for the viewing.

"The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe and a beautiful white silk shirt;
the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you! spend?

"To her astonishment, the Rebel mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit and wonderful white shirt!" she says."Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

H/T to Jack

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The last post was a little heavy, so I think it's time for something to bring a smile to your face, and what better than something I received from that invenerate joke purveyor Jack?

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving! me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it 's pretty good.) We always
hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! (Please note... these are all numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!)

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to
think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. YES and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

1.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do
we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as footballl, the 4 4 2 formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. (Yes...I know...I have to sleep
on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's
like camping.)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:39 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......

You're gonna love it...

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I got some good(?) medical advice from my friend Catfish today....wonder if I can use it to argue with my Medicos about their restrictions on alcohol?

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo Poo. However,we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer
or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of dookie, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than drink water and be full of it.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information,
I am doing it as a public service. Have a nice day.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:52 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Ok, I made my rant, and I think a little humor may serve to lower my B/P.

Thanks Jack:

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy.
I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Catfish:

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the
street when a
little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to
you?"
Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20
ticket
for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa
to put a
reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to
you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next
year tell
Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on
top."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Bob:

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging
two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole
in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of
it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if
I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs
up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. "No way, no needles, I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me."

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills.

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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After a night of drinking, Ron crept into bed
beside his wife Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the
cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing
at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the
hell are you?" demanded Ron,"and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St.
Peter."

Ron was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so much
left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to my family. You've
got to send me back right away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Ron was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later and he was
covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Ron, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Ron.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he
laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he
knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever
happened to him!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Ron, wake up you drunken bastard! You're shitting all over the bed."

H/T to Jack

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:37 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Three third graders - an Irish kid, an Italian
Kid and a Redneck kid - are in the playground at Recess.
One of them suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips It out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid, whipping His out.
His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid pulls his out.
It is by far the biggest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck Kid's' mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math Test and read out loud from a new book . And During recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see Who has the largest weenie'."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the Mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out Our weenies and I had the biggest!
The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is That true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, honey. It's because you're Twenty-three."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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