February 27, 2006
H/T to Catfish
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February 24, 2006
Kingsville Dispatch
"Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"
National Review Online
"Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"
Dallas Morning News
"Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"
Austin Statesman
"Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"
Washington Post
"Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"
The Nation
"Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"
San Antonio Express/News
"Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"
Houston Chronicle
"Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"
Wyoming Tribune Eagle
"Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"
La Raza
"Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"
Vegan News
"Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"
NRA American Rifleman
"Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"
New Orleans Times Picayune
"Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"
Broussard "Times Pickyournose" (Broussard, La.)
"Cheney misses Qyale"
H/T to Catfish
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Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the
apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived
in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)
KEEP SMILING!
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . "He brews"
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February 20, 2006
Sounds like a good plan to me...the Clintons can never maintain discipline in following rules... I suggest that Cheney go to buckshot instread of birdshot though...
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February 19, 2006
House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and
says:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one
for Senator John Kerry.
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and
says, "Nice trade, sir."
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February 15, 2006
her father that they learned about the history of
Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is named after a Christian saint
and we're Jewish," she asks, "will G-d get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
think G-d would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden ?", her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start
going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter
with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most
wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets
him out in the open, the Marines could blow the
shit out of him
To GuyK
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February 14, 2006
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
To Catfish
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February 12, 2006
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you
chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And
the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve ... we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! ; "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
To Catfish
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February 10, 2006
Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1962:
WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y
WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y
WEEK FIVE
Fresh Fava beans
Basmati rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astro-glide
WEEK SIX
5 lbs.Yukon Gold potatoes
1 pint heavy whipping cream
1 lb. asparagus (very thin)
1 dozen eggs
6 fresh Lemons
500 grams cave-aged Gruyère cheese
100 grams California Black walnuts
2 bunches arugula (alternately, roquette)
500 grams Normandy butter
250 ml extra virgin olive oil, first cold pressing
250 ml Balsamic vinegar (de Modena)
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of 1955 Au Bon Climat "Nuites blanches au bouge" Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco
To GuyK
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February 09, 2006
The Blonde Baptist Cowgirl
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
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This is an oldie, but a goodie:
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."
They were singing it beautifully. But oddly, each of them was
holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with
a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then
approached the conductor.
"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the
best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they
called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor... "They're the
Moron Tapanapple Choir."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom
of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. Swam to the bottom and
pulled Ralph out.
When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have
good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness .
The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hanged
himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead" Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him
there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
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February 08, 2006
(to the tune of "If you're happy & you know it").
If your patient tolerates a Guedel,
Call a Code
If you can't quite feel a pulse,
Call a Code
If you're panicking and new,
And you don't know what to do
If you're panicking and new
Call a Code.
If your registrar wants a Code
Call a Code
If the nurses want a Code
Call a Code
If the patient looks quite ill,
And he's green around the gills,
If the patient looks quite ill,
Call a Code.
If you think the heart has stopped
Call a Code.
If the stridor's getting worse
Call a Code.
If your patient looks quite blue,
And you don't know what to do,
If your patient looks quite blue,
Call a Code.
If the blood pressure is 50
Call a Code.
If the patient's in VT
Call a Code.
If the ICU pooh-poohs
While your man's heading down the tube
If the ICU pooh-poohs
Call a Code.
If the blood is pouring out
Call a Code.
If you need all hands on deck
Call a Code.
If you can't get any help
No matter how loud you yelp
If you can't get any help
Call a Code.
UNLESS the patient is NFR (DNR, for us in the States):
"If the patientÂ’s NFR
Hold their hand
When thereÂ’s nothing left to do
Hold their hand
Leave the crash cart well alone
Get the relatives on the phone
If the patientÂ’s NFR
Hold their hand."
Just HAD to add B-B to the blogroll, under "people that make me think", she's too cool not to visit often.
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February 07, 2006
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He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Four Catholic Mothers
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hardbodied, well hung, Male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
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To Catfish
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for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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February 05, 2006
University of Maryland are
required to take a difficult
class in physics.
One day, the professor was discussing
a particularly complicated
concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask, "Why do we
have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives," the
professor responded quickly
and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same
student spoke up again. "So
how does physics save lives?"
he persisted.
"It prevents idiots like you
from graduating as civil
engineers and building
things," replied the professor.
To Catfish
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February 02, 2006
A) The number of doctors in the US is 700,000
B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
Statistics courtesy of the US Dept. of Health & Human Services
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guns:
A) The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000
(yes that's 80 million!)
B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year,
all age groups is 1,500.
C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%
Statistics courtesy of the FBI
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.
FACT:
NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We should ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
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Thanks for the mammries Catfish!
Tell ya what guys, send me your e-mail addy and I'll forward the link from it's original source; seems that my template won't accept PPP's in html protocall.
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See how YOU do:
This is a test for us, the old kids!
The answers are printed below the fold, but don't you cheat.
READY?????
Here we go!
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,
thegrateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably,
someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind?____________
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all
watched them on The __________________ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04. "The story you are about to see if true. The names have been
changed___________________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the
"_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."
Bonus point if you remember the name/type of the character that said it.
08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared
this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was_________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, "Good
Night,and"_______________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their____________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________
& _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died." This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The
Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic
ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________
more...
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