PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and a testicle.

H/T:stolen borrowed from Strange Cosmos.com

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"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving."
~Henny Youngman.

"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown
too?"
~Steven Wright.

"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night."
~Peter Ustinov. (grunt!)

"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid
they are or how superior I am to them."
~Steve Martin

"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow
women."
~Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read."
~Groucho Marx

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~ Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~ George Burns

==================================

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The Kane County, Illinois, SheriffÂ’s Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what they ordered was not quite what they got:

This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for (you DON'T say!) the graphics company before he retired.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Subject:

Actual footage of a person being shot at close range.


Note! This is for the guys only, the girls probably will not want to see this!


Read the below to prepare you for the actual combat footage.


Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea.


War can be a brutal event. We tend to sit back in our living rooms, and view the barrage of information that comes across our television. We can easily become desensitized to the real gravity and danger of the battle front. Lives may be ended or altered forever during the heat of battle.


When I first saw this photo, my heart was instantly brought face to face with "cold" reality. Yet at the same time, it made me realize that like any soldier, I'm just a guy, too. This moment of conflict, on some distant shore, truly captures the results of what can happen when an enemy is totally exposed.

I put the footage below the fold to avoid shocking the sensative.

more...

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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and
asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two
missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep
widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you
want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy
bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a
tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally
gives a thit."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This might be slightly racist, and homophobic, but most of all FUNNY. I don't write em, I just pass em along.

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little
guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with
you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The
big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown? ... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn
Around"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:33 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Reader Jack sent me this today in e-mail....I'd seen it before,but because of certain circumstance arising, I thought it aprapo' to post it for someone to see..

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear"the rules"from the female point of view...

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just SAY it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
(well most of the time anyway)

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," ! We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. (or in my case, guns, ammo, tools, and golf)

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes. (5 pairs of black flats?!?!)

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Readers:
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an even bigger laugh!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous! to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
- Unknown (boy, do I KNOW about that one! *grin*)

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I don't agree with whom they find at fault for outrageous gasoline prices, but the humor, and the plaint, still holds true.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Cops say the darndest things! The following were taken off of actual
police car videos around the country. (I can't vouch for that, but as a former LEO, I can say that they sound realistic to me -D-)

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh.... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And the best one...

"You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't." "Sign here."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:56 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This is purported to be an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. Even if it's just a hoax, the humor certainly remains...

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least,
one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:46 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of
the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU
WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle. The war weary Marine
asked, " Ma'am may I have that seat? "

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat. "

The marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. " Please, ma'am may I sit down? I am very tired."

She snorted, " Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant. "

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, " Someone must defend my honor. Put this
American in his place. "

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork
in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road,
and now, sir, you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all know how tenacious Pitbulls are when they are on the attack.
They don't know how or when to give up.

I think this one should have given up earlier! I think there must
be a bald porcupine somewhere!

So keep in mind sometimes it is better to give up earlier. Don't
lose your head!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die."

***************************************************************
Have a GREAT weekend, and remember to let a little FUN in your life!

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Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:32 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Take the Star Trek Quiz

And a better test:

the Ham (47% dark, 57% spontaneous, 26% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT Your style's goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They've heard a rumor that
the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren't happy about sharing
any of their cows.

The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our differences and
split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with MY 120 cows. I am not about to
share any of MY cows with this new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only
60 cows, so I can't afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm
still a teenager. I'm already climbing the walls with just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor trailer pulls into the yard. The entire
trailer contains just one animal - the biggest, baddest bull you ever
saw.

He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four feet long. As the new bull
strolls down the gangplank, the two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under
his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I
could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner of the
pasture he'll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and shaking
his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot over to
the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give
the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and pawing
the ground again.

"I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Many of us (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering
near 60 or 70) are quite confused about how we should
present ourselves.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are
projecting and whether or not we are correct
as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets,
the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder
surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart
monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker


And last, but not least . . . . .

13. Thongs and Depends

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Courtesy of Strange Cosmos, Job Descriptions in the Real World:

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in
a way you don't understand.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells
you the time.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there.
(Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a
"brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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