January 31, 2006
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
H/T to Catfish
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January 30, 2006
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I
tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the
statue, "Eat something. I stood at the Smith's for three days like an
idiot and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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If Elvis had lived longer, he possibly would have re-written, "Are You Lonesome Tonight,"
Here's how it might have turned out. Turn up speakers and sing along !
To Catfish
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several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed
up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe pits, a
volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligator."
Old men can still think fast.
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January 25, 2006
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| How to make a delftsman3 |
| Ingredients: 3 parts intelligence 3 parts arrogance 3 parts energy |
| Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of emotion |
Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com
I checked my Blog worth and found the following....All I have to say is, any buyers interested?
My blog is worth $48,550.44.
How much is your blog worth?
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Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. The first one says, “I’m the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.” The second one says, “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon says, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a lady was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s blond mane and a big ass. Now, she’s the Junior Senator from New York.
You know...that explains a lot....
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I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!
You're a classic - powerful, athletic, and competitive. You're all about winning the race and getting the job done. While you have a practical everyday side, you get wild when anyone pushes your pedal. You hate to lose, but you hardly ever do.
Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
Well I guess I can handle that....at least I'm a domestic brand!
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January 23, 2006
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There has been a mini-furor over some recent remarks by the Shrill Beast of New York. I don'ty worry too much about it, because I know that it was just kicking off an advertising campaign for a new product of hers....well, actually, it's a product long utilyzed by the DNC, but now they have a new spokesfigure:
H/T to Catfish
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January 21, 2006
Hope to have some good political stuff soon..With Pelosi, Dean, Gore, and Shillery doing their best to get face time, I'm sure there will be some good blog fodder.
You Are a Boston Creme Donut |
 You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. |
Sounds like me...And If Kennedy can be a jelly donut, I guess a Boston Creme isn't all that bad.
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January 20, 2006
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
Need I say Who sent me this?!
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when
the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to
death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked.
"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there," he suggested.
"But what about the smell?" she asked.
"Just hold its nose."
...the man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with died at the scene.
Yep!, Catfish again....
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I'm wondering about the dog and I ask why the dog is allowed on the plane. The man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I put him to work.
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy," and he turns to the man and says "that woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
I say "that's pretty neat."
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" I tell him.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped.
I was really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so I ask the agent "what's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
H/T to Catfish
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January 18, 2006
Some use their incisive logic to cut right to the chase in geometric problems.
Look below the fold to see if she wasn't correct.
H/T to Catfish more...
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January 17, 2006
stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just
in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the
crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through
the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the
horn, screaming in frustration as she missed
her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a
tap on her window and looked up into the
face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with
her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she
was searched, finger printed, photographed,
and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with
her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you
were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at
him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper
sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
Fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
. . priceless
H/T to Jack
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"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly. But where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the of ferings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
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This is done by the chip monks.
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Didn't see it comin' did ya?!?!
H/T to Catfish
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"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor asks, "What happened"?
The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
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Seems it belonged to someone named Dean. A Mr. H. Dean to be exact. From Vermont, according to his driver's license. Someone from the Mayor's office said they'd make sure he got it back, since the Mayor and this Dean guy are acquainted or something.
I hope he gets it back soon. I'm sure he'd like to have it back, especially this card.
Seems he has only 5 more viewings before he gets in for free.
To the movie, that is. I can't vouch for the Mayor.
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January 16, 2006
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