“Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who has been accused in recent days of padding her foreign policy rèsumè while First Lady, admitted today that she may have exaggerated about an encounter she said she had with al-Qaeda terror mastermind Osama bin Laden in 1998. In an appearance on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press’ on Sunday, Sen. Clinton told host Tim Russert, ‘I wrestled bin Laden in his cave in 1998 and had him pinned to the ground before the bastard got away.’ But a review of Sen. Clinton’s official White House schedule from that period revealed that the then-First Lady was nowhere in the vicinity of Mr. bin Laden on that day, but was instead greeting a group of honor roll students at Disney World in Orlando. ‘I may have misspoke about what went on that particular day,’ Sen. Clinton said today. ‘But it was a very busy time for me, what with having that knife-fight with Kim Jong-Il and all.’ Reporters peppered Sen. Clinton’s new press spokesman with questions about another purported exploit of hers, in which the senator claimed that she and a ragtag team of blue-collar drillers deflected an asteroid on a collision course with the Earth.” —Andy Borowitz

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This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling

around the White House on her hands and knees,

and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they ? ??? !!

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Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. 'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' says Little Suzy. The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these 'democrat' kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now don't be frightened,' he said, I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'they are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But, today they have their eyes open.'

stolen borrowed from at Theodores World

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Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

I guess I had better try harder then !

H/T to GuyK

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:37 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:35 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:30 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

...

....

.....

Proof yet again that the female IS the deadliest of the species!

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Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, theattraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as.......
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Oh, quit groaning I don't write this stuff,

I receive it from my warped friend Catfish and then send it on to you.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:29 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all
day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender,finally says "You've had yer fill,
you'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy
spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat
on his face.

"What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards
the door and falls flat on his face again.

"Damn!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just
get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door
frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a
step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his
face.

Wow... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and
decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No
flappin' way."

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom
door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his
face again.

He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but
manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But
how'd you know?"

"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub!!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:46 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her . 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.

'Which word?' the woman asked.

'Love.'

The woman correctly spelled 'Love'.

And Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her.

'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.

And my wife and I traveled all around the world.

We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!

'How do I get in?' '
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.

'Which word?' her husband asked.

' Czechoslovakia .'

Moral of the story: Never make a woman
angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:44 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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'Irish Viagra'

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the
doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and w ith his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare,
I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"Good jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm
sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. “Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off
It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protrudi ng. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, “Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.'”

H?T to CATFISH

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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How To Give A
Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie
the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.
Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To
Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Thanks Cat!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that
her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:41 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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