HMMM.....THIS KID must be Dutch! He escapes from his Daycare Center and heads to (where else?!?) HOOTERS. Five years old and already showing a predilection for the finer things in life. LMAO

Seriously though, had I a child in this Daycare, he/she wouldn't be there as of the minute I heard about this. As a parent I know how quickly the little ones can get into mischief, but the Center had a professional responsibility to ensure that such incidents couldn't occur.

I understand that no exit doors can be locked from the inside of any public building for fire safety reasons, but just how can a 5 yo push open a door that has the proper push bar mechanism installed, without being noticed by staff? I don't know about Texas, but here in Indiana, most such secondary exit doors are alarmed and make a blare of noise when opened. Nothing less than incompetent lack of foresight at work here.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 163 words, total size 1 kb.

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST
AP July 8, 2008

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers, and candidates for President of the United States.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly folks.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 89 words, total size 1 kb.

For those of you who understand computer language, you might appreciate this spoof on "Installing a Husband" that I received from my B-i-L . (The original author is unknown.) ENJOY!

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Best to you,
Tech Support

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 319 words, total size 2 kb.

A little airline humor...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

*********************************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

*********************************************************

Thanks Catfish!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 221 words, total size 1 kb.

Another oldie but goodie:

7 X growth in size

An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until Mary stood up, angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) You have a dirty mind, (2) You didn't read your homework ; and (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:38 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 215 words, total size 1 kb.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 307 words, total size 2 kb.

Rebuilding New York & Iran

George W. Bush and Armandinijad are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"

Armandinijad answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."

George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Iran... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."

Armandinijad asks, "And what do they say?"

George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 150 words, total size 1 kb.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 125 words, total size 1 kb.

If you think these are funny; you just may be a true golfer, if you don't, heck with ya anyway.

*********************

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, 'You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?'

Michelson replied, 'The holes are numbered'
-----------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son? '

The young man says, 'An 8-iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. '

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'
----------- ------- ------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'

'Yes' says the woman.

'Did you hit him with that golf club?

' Yes, yes, I did.'

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

'How many times did you hit him?'

'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five.'
------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I?'
-----------------------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:' What are your golf clubs doing here'?

He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it?

*****************************

Thanks to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 398 words, total size 2 kb.

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, your choice.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 56 words, total size 1 kb.