Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch.....

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:50 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 67 words, total size 1 kb.

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma,
what's that called when two people sleep in the same room
and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell
him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to
play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called
Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

FOOTBALL SCOUTING REPORT*

> >>>Well folks, it arrived ... the 2007 football scouting report. The
> >>>following scouting report is making the rounds of Division I football
> >>>coaches:

> >>>Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver.
> >>>Hottest prospect
> >>>from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music.
> >>>Will demand a
> >>>mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most
> >>>"do you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can
> >>>print his complete name.

> >>>Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state
> >>>scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, North Carol ina. & Also
> >>>led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been
> >>>clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

> >>>Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler,
> >>>Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.
> >>>Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change
> >>>colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red
> >>>brick."

> >>>Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation
> >>>welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
> >>>Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a
> >>>manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because:
> >>>"The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.

> >>>Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarter back. Born on an
> >>>Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the
> >>>"N" on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge,"
> >>>but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on > >>>wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College
> >>>Entrance Exam.

> >>>Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending
> >>>paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other
> >>>9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent
> >>>with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with us.
> >>>Likes wild women and red Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican
> >>>Telephone Company.

> >>>Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball
> >>>under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he discovered religion.
> >>>Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville.
> >>>Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning
> >>>of many other words, either.)

> >>>Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees
> >>>in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at
> >>>track meets, the NCAA has agreed to use a burglar alarm... This, they
> >>>hope, will keep the runners alert.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:27 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 815 words, total size 5 kb.

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn most of the
forest, killing almost everything in it, including the rabbit and they
make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:04 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 139 words, total size 1 kb.