On rereading my last post I realized that I intertwined two main thoughts that are interconnected into a near incomprhensible mish-mosh, but I just don't have the mental acuity to separate and expound/illuminate them right now.

I am sure it has ideas sure to anger a portion of people that don't care to see themselves referred to cowards of the worst sort, those that fool themselves into thinking they have taken a moral stand, when in reality they have no clue of what it takes to survive in the raw real world.

I thought, why limit myself? Hence, here are some bits of humor that contain something assurred to offend almost everybody. It's the PC thing to do isn't it?
Not fair to offend just one group;everyone must feel the same sense of rightious indignation!

*******************************************************************

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
> > Juan on Juan
> >
> > What is a Yankee?
> > The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
> >
> > What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
> > The position of the dirt bag
> >
> > Why is divorce so expensive?
> > Because it's worth it.
> >
> > What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> > Doughnuts?
> >
> > Why is air a lot like sex?
> > Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
> >
> > What do you call a smart blonde?
> > A golden retriever.
> >
> > What do attorneys use for birth control?
> > Their personalities.
> >
> > What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> > 45 lbs
> >
> > What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> > 45 minutes
> >
> > What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> > Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> >
> > Why do men want to marry virgins?
> > They can't stand criticism.
> >
> > Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
> > and good-looking?
> > Because those men already have boyfriends.
> >
> > What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> > After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
> >
> > What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> > The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> > driving.
> >
> > Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
> > Because they have cotton balls.
> >
> > What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> > A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
> >
> > What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> > "Are you sure it's mine?"
> >
> > Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> > Mace will do that to you.
> >
> > Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
> > Everyone has the same DNA.
> >
> > Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> > Breasts don't have eyes.
> >
> > Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
> > He walks around saying "Yo."
> >
> > Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
> > on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> > Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
> >
> > Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> > A different bar.
> >
> > Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
> > They named him "Sum Ting Wong
> >
> > What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
> > other?
> > A speech impediment.
> >
> > What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
> > half-mast?
> > They're hiring.
> >
> > What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> > A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
> > cage
> > along with... "a recipe".
> >
> > How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
> > Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
> >
> > What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
> > fairytale?
> > A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
> > begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
> >
> > Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
> > No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

I'm going back to bed to rest up for the onslaught of criticism.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:13 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 869 words, total size 5 kb.

She says:"Honey, will you please scrape the ice off the car while I get ready for work?"

Hubby, being the kind hearted soul he is, says "Sure, Sweetheart"

Then he gets outside and finds that she had looked out the window before making her (seemingly reasonable) request:

The poor sap, will he NEVER learn?

H/T to Hawk for the pic.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:44 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 66 words, total size 1 kb.

How about some humorous definitions to bring a smile to your lips?

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end and a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day
internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his
bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes
of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through
"the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power
is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a
feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open
their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more
than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to
be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a
way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower
says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter
in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that
he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and
your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills
you with his bills.

31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such
mails......

Hat tip to Mamamontezz, thanks for cheering me up Honey!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:16 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 523 words, total size 3 kb.

If you need a good laugh, I found this link at Lucianne.

Amazing what a little skill in Photoshop can do to bring on a hearty belly laugh!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A Soldier tells about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the US flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock.

The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly, "yes, I always wear it and I probably always will."

The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.

A gentleman standing behind the soldier stepped forward, putting his arm around his shoulders, and nodding towards the soldier, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 247 words, total size 2 kb.

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:09 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 201 words, total size 2 kb.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:54 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 381 words, total size 3 kb.

A friend sent me this today...pretty much sums up my attitude toward most government.

In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:20 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 126 words, total size 1 kb.

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from San Angelo, TX to Branson. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver..

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away..."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:29 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 185 words, total size 2 kb.

Only a Canadian.......

From the province where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a Lethbridge, Alberta bar. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it", said the truly proud Canadian,

"Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 267 words, total size 2 kb.

Who said that Catholics can't laugh at themselves?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Blatently stolen borrowed from Your Moosey Fate

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 317 words, total size 2 kb.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs
and said: "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said: "This bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said:
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, said: "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said: "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded
from critical to stable, and he should eventually make
a full recovery...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 201 words, total size 2 kb.

It's long been E-Bay Auctions policy to not allow the posting of auctions for firearms or live ammunition of any type. I can almost agree with their position, since with the plethora of laws pertaining to such sales just in the US, much less the world, would make it an almost impossible task to remain legal in every area where they operate, and they don't need the headaches.

Having said that, E-bay has gone overboard in the other direction in their effort to protect themselves to the point of absurdity. and in a classic case of demonstrating absurdity by being absurd, an E-bay seller in Australia has put up this "auction". And you don't see the humor in it, I truly feel sorry for you.

He also put up another little visual to further make his point:

E-bay really does need to lighten up on the PC/GFW bit a little bit. I don't think that they need to sell weapons, but to disallow even the slightest referance to them to pull an aution as breaking the rules is, to put it mildly, ludicrous.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 202 words, total size 2 kb.

When you see this on the way to work you might as well turn around and go back home because it is NOT going to be a good day!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:38 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 35 words, total size 1 kb.

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour.

Among them was Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83.

When he arrived in Paris by plane and took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on at French Customs, the customs officer asked sarcastically, "You have been to France before, monsieur?"

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate
this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

This is a true story, 'Nuff SAID.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:23 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 160 words, total size 1 kb.

Liberal Utopia has a FANTASTIC fisk of a New York Times memorandum. If you need to have a good laugh, go read it, but be warned, remove any liquids from the area of your keyboard before you do, the management™ assumes no responsiblity for drink-doused equipment!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:13 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 54 words, total size 1 kb.

I am 19% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

To paraphrase what Acidman said, I already was aware of my ability, but I let that 19% have free reign frequently.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 81 words, total size 2 kb.

I taste like Beef. I taste like beef. I'm probably made of beef. You are what you eat, they say, and if the title didn't mean something else, I would be a beefeater. I think red meat is good for you. Puts hair on your chest. What Flavour Are You?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 64 words, total size 1 kb.

I think this is a joke, but the way things are today....Thanks to Something ...and Half of Something for the link....wonder how much they would charge to....old boss...Bastard....

Needless to say, Something.....) has been added to the blogroll in her rightful place among the Loyal Citizens.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:00 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 60 words, total size 1 kb.

I saw this on LC Beth's site and thought it looked like fun.

Here are the Rules:

The Book Game

1. Grab the nearest book

2. Open the book to page 123

3. Find the fifth sentence

4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest!

"He counted to three and demanded of himself that he go down and not have to shame himself by counting again. One,two--"

"Three", he murmured." "His feet were numb from the glass."
Star Trek: The Great Starship Race

Ok, so I read trash, I like it. Give it a go and see what you come up with.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 144 words, total size 1 kb.