A surgeon, and architect and an economist were traveling together, and fell to discussing which of them had the oldest profession.

The surgeon says “I think I can claim priority there. If you refer to the book of Genesis, it tells how God took one of Adam’s ribs to create Eve. So God was in fact the first surgeon.”

Then the architect says “Ah, but before he did that he created the heaven and the earth from chaos. That was the work of an architect.”

And the economist says “And who created chaos ?”

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It is time to get rid of those "W" bumper stickers you've seen for the past 8 years. That administration is done...

The election is over. Get past it. Get used to the idea of a new president and the new administration!

Here's the bumper sticker you'll need for the next 3 ½ years:

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Sometime in life, we've all known someone like this....

1 Trevor, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
7 coffee breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

H/T to Nancy

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges

The economy is so bad that the .99 cent store is offering layaway

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal...

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:07 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go
play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, just pull the tooth, and
be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in
town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the
anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is
surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using
anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asks him, 'which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth
honey and show him.....'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:16 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch
and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize,
but they also awarded him the Pullets surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

H/T Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:50 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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No Nativity in Washington , D.C. this year!

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been
able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search
for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding
enough asses to fill the stable.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:46 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.."

H/T to Jack Keel

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:52 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,

his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . .

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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No, I don't have ODS...I just think these are funny! Whats good for the goose and all that...

A:What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.

Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!!

Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.

Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

- Barack Obama: He has what it takes, to take what you've got!

- Barack Obama's campaign slogan, "Yes we can" has become, "Yes you will!"

- No one wants to see GM's new convertible, the Pelosi, with its top down!

- The liberals have asked us to give Obama time. 25 to life seems appropriate

- Obama doesn't want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American taxpayers instead.

New Barack Channel (NBC)
Another Barack Channel (ABC)
My Seriously New Barack Channel (MSNBC)

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Plymouths, and I voted for Obama."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt.....

I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' Call Center in Pakistan.

Told them I was suicidal . . .

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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In honor of the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize ....

H/T to Rurik

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Thanks to Iowahawk , we have the new, improved version of the Battle Hymn of the Republic as presented by the Obamatrons..after all the old version just didn't laud the magnificence that is Teh ONE in the proper way:

The Battle Hymn of the Obamatons

Barack Hussein Obama is the coming of the Lord!

He has taken oÂ’er the banks where all the capÂ’tÂ’list wealth is stored,

He runs all the auto compÂ’nies save those bastards out at Ford!

His lies keep rolling on!

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Barack Obama is our ruler!

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

His lies keep rolling on!

I have seen Him at the podium ‘fore a thousand sycophants,

They have built Him fine Greek columns lit with million wattage lamps,

He creates a carbon footprint like a herd of elephants:

Hypocrisy marches on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Barack Obama is our ruler!

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Hypocrisy marches on.

I have heard fiery gospel of his bully Chief of Staff,

"If you criticize my boss then you shall surely feel my wrath!

YouÂ’ll be branded as a racist, and your home be burnt to ash.

The Godhead marches on."

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Barack Obama is our ruler!

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

The Godhead marches on.

He started his career out thinking “ACORN’s really sweet!”

He gave them lots of campaign funds, but He doesnÂ’t know they cheat!

They abet tax fraud and hookers but donÂ’t lay that at his feet!

Barack is marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Barack Obama is our ruler!

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Barack is marching on.

When He speaks His soaring Voice is like the dawning of the day,

Though His mighty TelePrompTer tells Him all the words to say,

He offers many promises, and may get to them someday,

His voice keeps droning on.

(Chorus)

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Barack Obama is our ruler!

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

His voice keeps droning on.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:35 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A cowboy from Texas attends a social function
where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health
Plan.
Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's
home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern
drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head.. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin'
some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's
what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang
around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling
me a horse's ass?"
"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much
respect for the citizens of this country to call their President
a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins
rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas
drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:31 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all- conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....An adventurous spirit with a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:27 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:30 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I
couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.


'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.The radio replied, 'Ricky or
Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the
speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind'
replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful
classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in
time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Holes! '

There was a short pitch on National Health Care by Obama, immediately followed by the Iranian
National Anthem, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie
Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on
tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this truck!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:15 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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H/T to LC Cheapshot

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:14 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....
*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...
******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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What's the difference between the Houston Zoo and the White House?


The Zoo has an African Lion...
The White House has a Lyin' African...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:29 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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