Poor Max, He HATES golf, but what can he do when the Boss wants to go to the links??

How would YOU caption this?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:33 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 30 words, total size 1 kb.

Just to lighten things up a little, just a little humor.

Are They Male Or Female?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought we'd say male. But consider,
it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 203 words, total size 2 kb.

Jack, one of my favorite readers sent me this e-mail...and having been born near Van Gogh's old environs, I got a good laugh out of it, hope you found it as amusing as I did.

Van Gogh's Family Tree:

Just in case you do not know who Van Gogh was, he was a very well-known
and famous artist - did many valuable paintings. I found this very
delightful and entertaining. Hope you do, too.
====
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -------------------------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------------U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------- A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --------------------------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van ---Winnie Bay Gogh

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 217 words, total size 2 kb.

Now THAT"S what call a "Blow"pop!

And a real DEEP throat!.

And some day's it just doesn't pay to get out of bed....

WHY we fight....(okay,...You KNOW how political I can get! LOL)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:08 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 41 words, total size 1 kb.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:53 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 20 words, total size 1 kb.

1 OK, we need a source here. BTW you're getting close to 20000 hits on sitemeter! Congrats!

Posted by: phnxfire54 at June 25, 2005 12:22 PM (5voCM)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a
grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman
behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't
remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I
first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,"
and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself,
"What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't
keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face.

"I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:41 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 226 words, total size 2 kb.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favourite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered enough strength to get out of bed. Leaning against the
wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his bony fingers to grab the
handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper,
were literally hundreds of his favourite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the
cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly
made its way toward a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

As Acidman says: WIMMIN!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 244 words, total size 2 kb.

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students :

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what
would you say to her?"

Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p***."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:15 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 150 words, total size 1 kb.

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got
Male!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:43 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 131 words, total size 1 kb.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
~Mark Twain~

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
~G. Gordon Liddy~

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
~Ronald Reagan (1986)~

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
~Winston Churchill~

There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
~Mark Twain~

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:32 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 127 words, total size 1 kb.

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:16 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 210 words, total size 2 kb.

I saw this over at Curmudgeonisms and just HAD to steal borrow it.

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, so Geri kept hinting to her husband, Bob, that he should get it fixed. But, somehow, the message never sank in.

Finally Geri thought of a clever way to make her point. When Bob arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments.

When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say Bob will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:56 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 145 words, total size 1 kb.

From the crazy guys at Pass the Ammo, WHO said the Brits have no sense of humor?

And welcome to the Blogroll, Chad, Krunk, and JJ! (who knows, someday, maybe may actually be an honor! LOL)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:29 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 44 words, total size 1 kb.

Europe is the most secular place in the world today, but even there, they have the concepts of a Heavan and a Hell:

Euro-heaven has British cops, French cooks, and German politicians

Euro Hell has German cops, Brit cooks, and French politicians

Hat Tip to Alex

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:55 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 54 words, total size 1 kb.

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the
Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's
this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun
stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just
drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches
his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty
tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to
actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into
space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little
mark at the base of e ach tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The
boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd,
and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.

....So, when I start?!"

H/T to Bob

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:14 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 295 words, total size 2 kb.

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE
CENTURY.

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the
policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that
the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that i would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
"fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous
case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE ARE NUTS

H/T to Bob for the tale

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:04 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 320 words, total size 2 kb.

On the lighter side, Boortz also has a link to the latest drug habit to come down the pike..

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 27 words, total size 1 kb.

What happens when German and Arab technologies combine?

CLICK HERE for the answer.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.

This has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard of in a Long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a True phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a Recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is actual Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?" "They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall! ." "Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:01 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 523 words, total size 3 kb.

Thanks to Neal Boortz for putting this link up. Just some down home humor to brighten up the day.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:39 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 25 words, total size 1 kb.