The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me an admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku! Klux Klan.....

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 182 words, total size 2 kb.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward
silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.Once they reach
cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat,and mutters,

"I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

It's just a silly joke, but the fact is it does point out the inanity of many prejudices.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:06 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 164 words, total size 2 kb.

Well, I HAD to post SOMETHING. It may be a little lame, but it's my birthday, so bear with me.

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom when he gets home from work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:55 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 112 words, total size 1 kb.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that Black American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern red neck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:14 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 254 words, total size 2 kb.

How to tell you have a Redneck Pilot

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

Your toothpick keeps poking your mic.

You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".

You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.

You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.

You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the
landing gear.

You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.

There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.

You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.

You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.

You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals

Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 267 words, total size 2 kb.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint!
We havedigital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f..ing bored!" Ground Traffic
Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I
was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,

your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,

Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always

<> wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked! , "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for
a priority landing because his single-engine jet
fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven
engine approach."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger Pope Benedict XVl all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.

St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.

He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done..."

hat tip to JHSMom02, from Lucianne

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 252 words, total size 2 kb.

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so
nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle
clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan
said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she
is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more
children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it
is safe for me to come home.

Remember, things might not always be as bad as they seem when your in the moment, give your kids a hug today, listen to them, and give them the chance to show you that they aren't as bad as you think.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:32 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A beautiful actressÂ’ long-time agent discovered one day that sheÂ’d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadnÂ’t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients.

Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But donÂ’t I even get my agentÂ’s ten percent as a discount?"

"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."

Her agent wasnÂ’t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.

When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.

Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partnerÂ’s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, youÂ’re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."

"IÂ’m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "HeÂ’s at the door selling tickets."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:51 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 267 words, total size 2 kb.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

H/T top Jack for the truism

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 100 words, total size 1 kb.

In my never ending quest to offend everyone, I decided to pass on this E-mail I got from someone with obviously a little too much time on his hands....

Yo Momma is SOOOO Fat...

When she dances she makes the band skip

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave
her 13 years to live

She puts mayonnaise on aspirin

Her butt has its own congressman

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard

When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts

Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph

Her driver's license says "picture continued on other side"

The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

All the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy:
240 patrons or Yo mama"

When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton

When she gets in an elevator, it has no choice but to go down

She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her

I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side

They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side
to get her through

Her nickname is "daaamn!!"

She has to iron her pants on the driveway

She's on both sides of the family

When I yell "Kool-aid," she comes crashing through the wall

She could sell shade

When she crosses the street, cars look out for her

People jog around her for exercise

She gets runs in her jeans

Her blood type is Ragu

When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an
estimate

If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!

She has to put her belt on with a boomerang

When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party

She can't even jump to a conclusion

She went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

She was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of
gas

and of course......

yo momma is so fat that when she wears her Malcolm X t- shirt,
helicopters land on her back.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 397 words, total size 3 kb.

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and

each time the thunder boomed he
watched her jump.

She looked across the room and
admired his strong appearance... and

wished that he would take her in his
arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.

She wanted that... more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power
went out... She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was
cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist
but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on... as did their growing
passion. And
there came a moment when each knew
that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand...
So consumed were they in their passion
that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera...

>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>

>>>>>

>>>

>>

>

....And just what were YOU thinking????

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:26 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 199 words, total size 2 kb.

Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife, mow the lawn.

Amanda from next door was so upset at this that she came over and
shouted "you should be hung."

I took a slug from my bottle of Corona, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly at this
nosey woman and calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

After a few days I felt really bad so I went and bought my wife a
riding mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got,
I have attached a picture.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 125 words, total size 1 kb.

Doggeral Pundit has a little verse constituting fair warning to those of you that have fallen sway to the class-warfare meme of those that constantly harp that the "Rich" don't pay their "fair share". Remember it when they reclassify YOU in a higher bracket!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 54 words, total size 1 kb.

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step
into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this
gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes
a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than
60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over
a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt
backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me,
half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said.
"Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps........

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:35 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 455 words, total size 3 kb.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and
yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps,throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
shout,WHO'S HORNY!?!" and she acts like she is asleep every time.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 168 words, total size 1 kb.

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it's fair - given that you are blind - that you know five things:

#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

#3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter.

#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:18 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 181 words, total size 1 kb.

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they
walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then
he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch
hiking,he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down
the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he
remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.

Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"thud."

Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father.

I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 205 words, total size 2 kb.

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in
sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the
facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If
he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll
pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the
hall.

As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around
his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
better health plan."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 146 words, total size 1 kb.

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
to you on April 1 this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my porch
on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the
porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down
and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense! A ttorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's
when I shot the little bastard!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:03 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 256 words, total size 2 kb.