Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Buck Sgt. Skip has some advice for those lovelorn soldiers serving in some foreign cities.

I was a little put off that he didn't include Amsterdam in his list...then I realized that with the Red Light District there, there was no NEED for advice, just a portion of your paycheck. LOL.

I've got to add this guy to the blogroll, as soon as I get over my trytophan induced lethergy...

H/T to JackArmy for the link.

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Top 10 Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes

9. You're serving reindeer pot pie

8. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream,
"No! I'm not listening!"

7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ass with
your BB gun

6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make
photo copies

4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.

3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears

2. Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard"

1. Two words: tinsel rash

H/T to Nancy

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:48 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 LOL... I think part of the problem is Christmas starts in Oct. in November in the USA. Or is it October now?

Posted by: Rachel Ann at December 27, 2005 05:29 PM (c1nUp)

2 I just posted a suggestion to start the new year on the 26 of Dec because this is a wasted week. I think it was all planned this way so there could be 103 college football bowl games-only thre or four which mean a damn thing to anyone except the players and schools involved.

Posted by: GUYK at December 27, 2005 07:07 PM (79ZDR)

3 I saw Christmas decorations in stores before Halloween, and wanted to buy something the week before and gone. Only Valentine's stuff to be found. Such crap.

Posted by: Alli at December 27, 2005 10:50 PM (9BW95)

4 "You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe." You've been spying on me haven't you? And I bet you didn't even get a court order did you!! Can I say THANK GOD IT'S OVER loud enough?

Posted by: wanda at December 28, 2005 02:35 AM (cVji6)

5 Well Wanda...actually the surveilence was authorized through a FISA warrant . NEVER want to skirt legality around YOU! LOL You don't need to shout, the "bat ear" mikes pick up a whisper at 50 feet...

Posted by: delftsman 3 at December 28, 2005 05:48 AM (1V3kn)

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As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time? she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?

Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing What a Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas.

H/T to Catfish

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Catfish must be prescient....He sent me this joke last night, and it really hit home.....Maybe I'd better change that lock on the gun safe....

A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had
to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked her question. "Will I be found guilty?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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While engaged in weighty discourse about the general state of the world with other members of the Empire last night, LC Darth Vader suddenly had one of his psychotic breaks and started wondering just how the members of the Psychiactric profession might be celebrating this festive season with their own versions of the old standard carols....

PSYCHIATRISTS' CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR EVERY DIAGNOSIS:

Schizophrenia ~~ Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ~~ We Three Queens disoriented are

Dementia ~~ I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic ~~ Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ~~ Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....

Paranoid ~~ Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ~~ Thoughts Of
Roasting On An Open Fire

Bi-polar Personality Disorder ~~ You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why; Joy to the World, the Doc has come,

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ~~ Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

ADHD ~~ Hark the herald angels sing
ba-rum-pa-pum-pum in the little town
of Bethlehem up on the housetop in a winter
wonderland one foggy
Christmas Eve hey how bout them Bears no I don't
want to switch to Sprint but thank you for shopping at K-Mart.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:26 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Catfish, being the great friend he is, sent me a reading list for the New Year.

Now, Catfish isn't that much on reading,(he can, despite nasty gossip) so he naturally chose the THINNEST books he could find:

World's Thinnest Books . .

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg

ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill CLinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden & Willie Nelson

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates & The 'Donald '

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

Partial publication

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

anonymous for sure

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

~###################################~

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:53 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Although, I have to say that I like it even better when I use my full name:

"Luscious Adonis" Yeah....Thats me allright....well, a guy CAN dream, can't he?

H/T to Rachel for the link

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:12 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Blatently ripped off from GuyK's site...(HOW does he find them?)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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You can't make up humor like this!:

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman of color from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate.

"So Miss "she asked the interviewee "How has such total and complete devastation of the CHURCHES in the area affected your lives? "

The woman replied," I don't know about all those other peoples but we gets our chicken from Popeye's".

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:58 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Eino, a Finlander from Cook County in northern Minnesota- was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to
Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass..... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a
Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye. "

H/t to Catfish

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Todays humor courtesy of the one and only Catfish:

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says,

"I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

<><><><><><><>

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Seems that Catfish has already decided on his Presidential candidate for 2008:

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United
States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure
that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution:
It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope
yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.
PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Very eloquently put............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety"
"I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Life"
"Life is like an oven. It burns my ass!"

Maxine on "Housework"
"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care"
"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man"
"All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"
"My idea of rebooting is ickingsomebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"
"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"I'm telling you .... she's the perfect candidate."

~~~~~

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency after middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche han a Kia

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.! (So true!)

~~~~~

If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes,
your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
There's no one better for the job!!!

Paid for by the Maxine for President Committee

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:15 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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ONLY Catfish could come up with a link that proves that you can be patriotic by playing with your balls!

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Ny friend Catfish has led a hard life....and interesting life but a hard one nonetheless.

As with many such people, he has a talent to cutting through the BS and cutting to the coe of a problem.

He e-mailed me The Plan to solve a great many of our woes.....could it relly be so simple?

Okay, here's the plan:

"Back off and let men marry men, women marry women, and totally legalize abortion."

""In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!"

""..... I love it when a plan comes together!"

The only problem I see is the turmoil the rest of us will have to endure for those three generations....could we survive it?

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Ever wonder what it would be like if the TCM covered sports the way they do the war in Iraq? Jon Ham wondered the same thing, so he did a report on the Colts - Steeler game using the TSM's war template for reporting.

Here's a quote to whet your appetite:

"That score was based on subterfuge and was patently unfair," said one critic, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation by league officials. "It amounted to abuse of opposing players to fool them like that."

The final score, by the way, was Colts 26, Steelers 7. (just to rub it in, TNS LOL)

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The Onion has a hysterical parody...a football game between the Indianapolis Colts VS the Harlem Globetrotters Football Team. I'm not that much of a sports fan...but that is one game I wouldn't miss!

Colts, THUNDER ON! they may be fancy, they may be glib, but they ain't faced NOTHING like the cut o' the Colts jib!

H/T to Kiril for the link.

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An oldie but a goodie via GuyK:

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

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There is a new study just released by the American
Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel
about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

HT to GuyK

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Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the bull.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...
She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectric!"

-
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'!
My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them
new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
-
3rd Hillbilly : "that ain't nuthin'!
My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put
together!
I was going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
-
1st and 2nd Hillbillies:
"well what's so dumb about that?"
-
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

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