July 31, 2006

The Woman and the Frog

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant

you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the

world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make

your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women

will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the

world.

And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's

his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd

like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop

here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really

smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to

show that women never listen!!!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:52 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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July 30, 2006

A Little Math & Observations

Here's some more fun stuff I got from my best source of humor, Catfish.

Keep them coming buddy!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

_____________________________

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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July 28, 2006

The Purina Diet

I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!) (here's your sign! ~ D)

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting To Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:11 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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July 17, 2006

Koran Pork Rinds

NEW and IMPROVED!!! Be the first on your block to treat your Muslim friends to the newest taste sensation! Study the Holy verses of Mohammad (may bees piss upon him) as you chow down on some of the crunchiest treats to break a Ramadan fast you've ever had.

PORK, the other white meat!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


9 out of 10 Mullahs agree, new Koranic Pork Rinds™ can't be beat!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:04 PM | Comments (59) | Add Comment
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"Headlines from the Year 2029!"

Neal Booortz got a special delivery letter for the year 2029 warning of the times aheads of us.

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
* Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* France pleads f or global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
* 85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm) Now that's just wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
* Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:48 PM | Comments (35) | Add Comment
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July 16, 2006

Ten commandments

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to
church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat
during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So,
I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest asked, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."The priest gave
Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not
Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in
Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting to Jack AND Catfish

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July 13, 2006

SHAME!

Shame shame shame, Misha has indulged in hyperboly that was mean and demonstrated a wish to wreak mayhem to a stranger on the Interstate. How damageing to the Conservative cause we both espouse!

I felt compelled to write this lest Glen Greenwald accuse me of not being fair and balanced in my condemnation of such as Deb Frisch.

Sire, you KNOW how much I admire you, leave the hateful speech/wishes of bodily injury to sreangers to the the Leftists we both like to Cluebat...(/sarcastic portion for those the didn't get that)

Oh mighty Greenwald, may this condemnation of "one of my own" bring about a glorious new day of understanding and light, and if not, screw you anyway.

May I have my fatwa now?

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July 12, 2006

Redhead Jokes

I posted a blond joke the other day and it seemed to garner at least one rave response....I happened to see these redhead jokes over at Curmudgeonisms , and being married to a Redhead, I can attest to the validity of most, if not all of the stereotypes.


Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something

Q: How do you get a redheadÂ’s mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free Â…
If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, sheÂ’s yours.

Q: WhatÂ’s safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: ThereÂ’s a hammer embedded in the monitor

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.

Q: Why arenÂ’t there any more redhead jokes?
A: Someone told them to a redhead.

Q: How do you know when youÂ’ve satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you.

Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A: A redhead wonÂ’t accept a three and a half inch floppy.

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love youÂ…wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:36 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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A new Drink

Your "groan" of the day!! Thanks Catfish...just what I needed to start the day off..a groaner of a pun...

GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND SAYS, "BARTENDER, GOT ANY
SPECIALS TODAY?"

"YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT WE HAVE A NEW DRINK INVENTED BY A
GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS. IT'S A PABST BLUE RIBBON BEER
AND A DOUBLE SHOT OF SMIRNOFF VODKA."

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU CALL IT?"

"A PABST SMIR."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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July 10, 2006

Perceptions

Situational Awareness Scenario

******************************************************

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your LEFT side is a valley

and

on your RIGHT side is a fire engine traveling at your same speed.

IN FRONT of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and

you cannot overtake it.

BEHIND you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

*****
***
*
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*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Get off the Merry-Go-Round!*

(You're Drunk again!*)

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting to Catfish, one of the most perceptive people I know

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:50 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Worlds Thinnest Books

I am a voracious reader. My main interests for just pleasure reading are science fiction and fantasy. For Learning, history, political theory, and science.

I was thinking of making up a summer reading list to send my daughter, (who gets me books at deep discounts at Half Price Books, where she works) when Catfish sent me a list of some of the worlds thinnest books. I thought it might be good to try to get copies, since they can all be read at a single, VERY short, reading, and you all know how the summer months are the busiest, so short may be best.

Here's the list:


FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore


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MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg

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ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George

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MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill CLinton


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MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden & Willie Nelson

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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'

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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

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AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

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AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS


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A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian


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ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres & Rosie O'Donnell


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THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

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DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by PETA

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THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

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MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson

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HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There you have it....A list of books I could read in a single hour or less....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:42 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A Cautionary Tale

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra , a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step...........................


I joined the Democratic Party.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:52 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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July 09, 2006

OUCH!!!

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor.

The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.

"Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.

At home 6 hours later the man realizes that he can't stick the suppository far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.

"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"

"No" replies the man. "But I have just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:23 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Shit: Through the eyes of the Military

This one is for my nephew, Robby, a newly minted TSgt in the AF. Congrats Rob!

*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"

*An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

*A Marine Scout/Sniper, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then stalking 30 miles through the brush to an FFP, says, "I love this shit."

*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?!?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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July 07, 2006

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:58 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Concentrate!

Catfish sent me this men's Eye/Concentration Test....go see how you do on it!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:53 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Watch What You Drink


A little guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for 1/2 hr.
when this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his
drink and gulps it down in 1 swig.

THE POOR MAN STARTS CRYING....

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"This is the worse day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right. I over slept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my
car was stolen & I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I
found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to
work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then YOU show up and
drink the poison."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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