On the day Farrah passed away she went to heaven. God welcomed her and asked her what she wanted most in the world. She answered she wanted all the children in world to be safe.....then Michael Jackson died.

H/T Lil Sis

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 49 words, total size 1 kb.

"The Pentagon deployed missile interceptors to Honolulu on Friday after reports that the North Koreans are planning to fire a missile at Hawaii. The president's birthplace is safe. It'll take them ten years to build a missile that can reach Kenya." --comedian Argus Hamilton
Mr pResident, show us the birth certificate !

El Rushbo at his pithiest:

"You know, most people, when they read '1984,' were scared. When Barack Obama read it, he started taking notes." --radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh

Annie C hits the liberal philosophy nail right on the head:

"Whether it is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Weather Underground, Central Park rapists, Mumia Abu-Jamal, Jim Jones and the People's Temple, welfare recipients, Palestinian terrorists, murderers, abortionists, strippers or common criminals -- liberals always take the side of the enemies of civilization against civilization. In the view of The New York Times, every criminal trial is a shocking miscarriage of justice -- except the ones that actually are shocking miscarriages of justice." --columnist Ann Coulter

On government competing with private enterprise:

"Having the government compete against the private sector is kind of like my seven-year-old daughter's lemonade stand competing against McDonalds." --Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) Yes Virginia, bureaucrats really ARE that incompetent!

Last, but not least:

"The polite explanation for Barack Obama's diffidence on Iran is that he doesn't want to give the mullahs the excuse to say the Great Satan is meddling in Tehran's affairs. So the president's official position is that he's modestly encouraged by the regime's supposed interest in investigating some of the allegations of fraud. Also, he's heartened to hear that OJ is looking for the real killers." --columnist Mark Steyn

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:35 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 283 words, total size 2 kb.

Grandma is 98 years old and still drives her own car.. She writes:

My Dearest Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my back bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is. I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, reached out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

H/T Jack Keel

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:01 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 464 words, total size 3 kb.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 26 words, total size 1 kb.

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them
were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different
again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a
Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron
and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an
Obama fan."

Out of the mouths of babes...

H/T Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:14 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 157 words, total size 1 kb.

A group of Kentucky second, third, and
fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on
a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisvillerace
track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the
men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he
was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race."

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:35 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 172 words, total size 1 kb.

A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Norm!

All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size
of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a
nickel.'

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-
millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion,
you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away over 45 cents?

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 92 words, total size 1 kb.

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since he was a child, a man had a fear of someone hiding under his bed. So he went to a shrink and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' he said.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - Ain't nobody under there
now!!!

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:19 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 229 words, total size 1 kb.

He provided $40,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Martha turned to
her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Peter would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Mary who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Martha 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Mary exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Gwen answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church.
The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.

The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Mary computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

Another H/T to the Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:06 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 121 words, total size 1 kb.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring..

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a coup le of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know..

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:01 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 193 words, total size 1 kb.