Finally !! someone has been able to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!!!

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:42 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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PHONES IN CHURCH

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to
San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making
notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued
with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he
asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden
phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk
directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued
to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and
around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same
answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Kentucky , upon entering a church in Corbin ,
K.y. , behold - he saw the usual golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in
cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a
direct line to Heaven and that I c ould talk to GOD, but in the other churches the
cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"

I love this part.............................

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Kentucky now
......
You're in God's Country, It's a local call."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:35 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day, he was five, ten, or fifteen minutes late. But, he was a good
worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I
have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your
being late so often is quite bothersome!"


"Yes, I know Boss, and I'm working on it."


"Well, good -- you're a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.
What did they say, if you came in late there?"



"They said, Good Morning, General!"

Thanks Catfish!

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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There
was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

After several embarrassing seconds had past, a little old lady seated in
the back pew, stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift
from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

H/T to SlagleRock

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An Amish farmer was walking through his field, & noticed a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."

The Amish man said: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

To Nancy

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Real life is funnier than ANYTHING you can make up:

To Catfish

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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:32 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
-----------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
-------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

---------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks..

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I 'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

-----------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

--------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

--------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

--------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

-----------------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:26 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station ,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:43 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Sounds great! Your blog is one of my most favorite now . You have hit the nail on the head, just like you always do.

Posted by: Chris at April 06, 2008 11:19 AM (+1aoT)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

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The Real Story (A far more accurate account of the
events of that fateful morning...)

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It
was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!"

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At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:33 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
> On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
> thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
> &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
>
> When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
> phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing
> and sit in your favorite chair.
>
> Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
> a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
>
> Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
> it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
>
> "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
> tested and then sanitized".
>
> Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
> not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
>
> HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
> THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS . . . .

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. Upon arriving at the residence he climbed the utility pole, plugged in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's phone number.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and then the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
discovered the following:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Read the following explanation before looking at the picture!

This picture is not doctored. Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact w ith their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans"(etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian! To translate and write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army sergeant!

Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way through the Arab TV networks, but the results were "Priceless."

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