Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 209 words, total size 1 kb.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces,
his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"Wow!" was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're
the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much
does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is! puzzled, concerned; "Why? What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised".

(Must have some Dutch blood in the family!)

(hat tip to Jack)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:30 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 147 words, total size 1 kb.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50, and
$50 is $50."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's $50."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and
over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out,
but $50 is $50."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 218 words, total size 1 kb.

(AP) Austin, Texas - Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, and prevents the
Nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took
Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:31 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 64 words, total size 1 kb.

Once upon a time, a Sheik was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sheik said to him, Son, I
love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you
like?" His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

His Father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sheik said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sheik said, "Son, you
bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for
you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch
cartoons."

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sheik said, "Son, you are
my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it
for you." His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I
would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit".

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 232 words, total size 1 kb.

Now THIS TEST got me more accurately! LOL

eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 4/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 8/10

You are a RSYG--Reserved Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Nice Guy/Nice Girl.

Oh, poor RSYG. You're the one all your friends of your target sex *should* be dating when you have to watch them go out with jerks. You're the sweet one that the lead in a romantic comedy ends up with after s/he learns a valuable lesson. You're the best friend, the chaperone and the shoulder to cry on when you should be the lover. Well, no one ever said people were smart.

You dislike conflict -- you prefer to express yourself through action, not discussion -- but you know it is necessary. This means you are more likely to tackle an issue before it grows, but you're also more likely to stop fighting before the issue is resolved to your satisfaction. This isn't necessarily a bad thing -- it's kind of a nice compromise between fighting about everything and fighting about nothing -- but you have to remember to look out for your own interests sometimes.

You have a strong sexual appetite, but it seems so out of place with the rest of your persona that people find it hard to believe. Often they try to shield you from sexual content -- it's ridiculous, but you can use it to your advantage: everybody wants someone clean in the kitchen and dirty in the bedroom. That's you.

You don't want to cheat, but you might. Especially since it's only when you're in a relationship that you start getting the attention from your target sex that you should have been getting all along. Your experiences could make you misanthropic if you weren't so tenderhearted.

A lot of RSITs think they're RSYGs. They're not.

You'll end up with someone who deserves you in the end.

Of the 183807 people who have taken this quiz, 3.4 % are this type.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:50 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 330 words, total size 2 kb.

I took THIS TEST. You can see the results below. I disagree with the wackiness quotient, I think I'm a lot funnier than they would say I am. I also believe I'm a great deal more constructive than the test would indicate. I have no interest in leadership, so I'm not surprised by a low score in that area.

Wackiness: 40/100
Rationality: 80/100
Constructiveness: 40/100
Leadership: 44/100

You are a SRDF--Sober Rational Destructive Follower. This makes you a Fountain of Knowledge.

You are cool, analytical, intelligent and completely unfunny. Sometimes you slice through conversation with a cutting observation that causes silence and sidelong glances. You make a strong and lasting impression on everyone you meet, the quality of which depends more on their personality than yours.

You may feel persecuted, as you can become a target for fun. Still, you are focused enough on your work and secure enough in your abilities not to worry overly.

You are productive and invaluable to those you work for. You are loyal, steadfast, and conscientious. Your grooming is impeccable. You are in good shape.

You are kind of a tool, but you get things done. You are probably a week away from snapping

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:39 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 204 words, total size 1 kb.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and take the lingerie
home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him. Up stairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's
so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband
says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron
it!".

He never heard the shot.

Funeral services pending.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:30 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 157 words, total size 1 kb.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog," he answers.

Hat tip to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:56 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 183 words, total size 1 kb.

"To Proctor & Gamble went Moore
Where he fell in machinery obscure
Oils, soaps, and detergent...
Eight products divergent
Were rendered, plus nine bags manure."

Hat Tip to Doggeral Pundit

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 44 words, total size 1 kb.

Everyone remembers the original Nintendo (Hell I had an Atari and before that Pong). The game that started it all... Super Mario Bros. Mario was a huge character and the spin offs from the Mario Brother series is practically endless.

Well thanks to a friend I have a link to the original ending....

Super Mario Brothers

If you ever wondered how it really ended now you'll know.

**Snicker**

Enjoy!

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by: SlagleRock at 05:42 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 77 words, total size 1 kb.

When is F*ck Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the F*ck do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the F*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those F*cking Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any F*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so F*cking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the F*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the F*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the F*ck are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered F*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F*ck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

Posted by: SlagleRock at 01:27 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 174 words, total size 1 kb.

Here is a unique way to ask your significant other where your missing lawn tools may be. It is an even better response.

Where's the Rake?

Enjoy

SlagleRock Out! (Proudly Posting for my Uncle)

Posted by: SlagleRock at 05:31 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 40 words, total size 1 kb.

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen; say this chant.

1850 A.D. - That chant is superstition; drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil; swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective; take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic has dangerous side effects. Here, eat this
root.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:56 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 74 words, total size 1 kb.