It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the Admittance Policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day you died.

The policy would go into effect promptly at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person arrived at the gates of
Heaven.

The gatekeeper Angel, remembering the new policy, said to the man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment
on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair - but her lover
was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife,
half naked, was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

"Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he fell to the ground. Wouldn't you know it? He landed in some
trees and bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. Now in a rage, I
went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw
at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the
side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the
moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel thought for a moment. Technically, even tho it was a
crime of passion, the guy did have a bad day, so the Angel announced, "Okay,
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven!" and let him in.

A few seconds later, the next arrival, to the Angel's surprise, was
Donald Trump! "Mr.Trump, before I can let you in, I need to
hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem - but you're not going to believe this. I
was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I'd been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and fell over the
side. Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine, but, all of a sudden, this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well - of
course I fell! I hit some trees and bushes which broke my fall, so I didn't
die right away. As I'm lying there, face up on the ground, unable to
move and in excruciating pain, I see this lunatic push his refrigerator
- of all things! - off the balcony. It landed on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel quietly laughed to himself as Trump finished his story
and thought "I could get used to this new policy!" "Very well," the
Angel announced. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he let Trump
enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton arrived at the gate. The Angel
was almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war
poured through the Angel's head. Finally he said, "Mr. President, please - tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton said, "Okay. Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator ... "
. .

H/T to Jack

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 625 words, total size 3 kb.

I found a new product whilst perusing the wisdom at the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. Now if I can only find a local supplier.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:47 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 28 words, total size 1 kb.

His most Magnificant Rottiness, Darth Misha 1 had a problem...it seems that his pet pig, MuHAMmed, had gotten too large to comfortably roam the halls of the Imperial Palace.

Well, our dear Emperor DOES have a crack staff of scientists, and they managed to shrink the Imperial Porcine down to a much more manageable size, but then there arose a new problem; where could poor MuHAMmed rest his Imperial snout? His old pad was now much too large.

Our Emperor, ever the resourceful one, hit upon the perfect solution for a new resting place:

Sleep easy, MuHAMmed, and if the burlap is a little rough, I'm sure the Emperor can find you a nice thick prayer rug to replace it.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:25 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 128 words, total size 1 kb.

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die."

H/T to Jack

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:33 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 206 words, total size 1 kb.