Rebuilding New York & Iran

George W. Bush and Armandinijad are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"

Armandinijad answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."

George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Iran... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."

Armandinijad asks, "And what do they say?"

George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'

H/T to Catfish

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If you think these are funny; you just may be a true golfer, if you don't, heck with ya anyway.

*********************

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, 'You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?'

Michelson replied, 'The holes are numbered'
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son? '

The young man says, 'An 8-iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. '

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'
----------- ------- ------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'

'Yes' says the woman.

'Did you hit him with that golf club?

' Yes, yes, I did.'

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

'How many times did you hit him?'

'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five.'
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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I?'
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:' What are your golf clubs doing here'?

He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it?

*****************************

Thanks to Catfish

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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, your choice.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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My new Nail Gun, made by DeWalt.
It can drive a 6-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a real breeze, and fun.
You can sit in your lawn chair, and build a fence.
Just get the wife and kids, to hold the fence boards in place.
While you sit back, relax with a cold coke.
When they have the board in the right place, just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine, you can build a fence with a minimum of reloading.
And the best part is, just think, after a fun day of fence building, with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will NEVER, ask you fix, or build anything else!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:45 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since!

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything ....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:54 PM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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Eighteen Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but
I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said' 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you
might have gotten disability, too'

(Hmmm...I joke I can relate to.....Thanks Wayne)

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Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

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I need a LITTLE MAN GAS SYSTEM(tm)!

Just maybe I could save enough to be able to pay the lawers if we got caught....

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Yeah, I'm being lazy....here's some jokes I got in my E-mail today, I hope they give you a lift like they did for me.

The Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help
you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father , do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

***********************************************************

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for
them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm BLONDE doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo! It's been a year! (I told him!)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.... He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an
idiot.

***********************************************************

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you Rremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? get your mind out of the gutter ! ... you know you smiled...now keep, that smile for the rest of the day!)

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This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down.......
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Look down, not scroll down. Geeez.

Thanks to Jack and Wayne

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:41 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...
so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and Count your blessings!

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Who said that the Germans have no sense of humor?

Thanks Misha!

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The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger,
fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the
same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich
come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The
ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity
any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come
up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right
amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says
the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!''That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs,
pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a
big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:02 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I was walking past the mental hospital the
other day, and all the patients were
shouting, "13...13....13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but
I saw a little gap in the planks and looked
through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting.
"14...14...14...14....".

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:39 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A married couple, both 55 were celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for
being loving to each other for all this time,
I will grant you each a wish.'

'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,' said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof!
Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment, and then said,
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof!

The husband became 85 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:34 PM | Comments (26) | Add Comment
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