July 17, 2006
* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
* Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* France pleads f or global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
* 85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm) Now that's just wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
* Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
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July 16, 2006
when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to
church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat
during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So,
I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest asked, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."The priest gave
Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not
Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in
Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
to Jack AND Catfish
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July 13, 2006
I felt compelled to write this lest Glen Greenwald accuse me of not being fair and balanced in my condemnation of such as Deb Frisch.
Sire, you KNOW how much I admire you, leave the hateful speech/wishes of bodily injury to sreangers to the the Leftists we both like to Cluebat...(/sarcastic portion for those the didn't get that)
Oh mighty Greenwald, may this condemnation of "one of my own" bring about a glorious new day of understanding and light, and if not, screw you anyway.
May I have my fatwa now?
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July 12, 2006
Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something
Q: How do you get a redheadÂ’s mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds
If you love a Redhead, set her free Â…
If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, sheÂ’s yours.
Q: WhatÂ’s safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.
Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal
Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: ThereÂ’s a hammer embedded in the monitor
Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.
Q: Why arenÂ’t there any more redhead jokes?
A: Someone told them to a redhead.
Q: How do you know when youÂ’ve satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you.
Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A: A redhead wonÂ’t accept a three and a half inch floppy.
Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love youÂ…wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.
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GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND SAYS, "BARTENDER, GOT ANY
SPECIALS TODAY?"
"YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT WE HAVE A NEW DRINK INVENTED BY A
GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS. IT'S A PABST BLUE RIBBON BEER
AND A DOUBLE SHOT OF SMIRNOFF VODKA."
"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU CALL IT?"
"A PABST SMIR."
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July 10, 2006
******************************************************
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your LEFT side is a valley
and
on your RIGHT side is a fire engine traveling at your same speed.
IN FRONT of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and
you cannot overtake it.
BEHIND you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
***
*
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*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
to Catfish, one of the most perceptive people I know
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I was thinking of making up a summer reading list to send my daughter, (who gets me books at deep discounts at Half Price Books, where she works) when Catfish sent me a list of some of the worlds thinnest books. I thought it might be good to try to get copies, since they can all be read at a single, VERY short, reading, and you all know how the summer months are the busiest, so short may be best.
Here's the list:
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
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MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg
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ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George
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MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill CLinton
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MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden & Willie Nelson
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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'
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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
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AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
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AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
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A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
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ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres & Rosie O'Donnell
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THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
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DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by PETA
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THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
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MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
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HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
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There you have it....A list of books I could read in a single hour or less....
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I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra , a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step...........................
I joined the Democratic Party.
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July 09, 2006
The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.
"Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
At home 6 hours later the man realizes that he can't stick the suppository far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"
"No" replies the man. "But I have just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
to Catfish
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*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"
*An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
*A Marine Scout/Sniper, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then stalking 30 miles through the brush to an FFP, says, "I love this shit."
*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?!?"
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July 07, 2006
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."
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A little guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for 1/2 hr.
when this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his
drink and gulps it down in 1 swig.
THE POOR MAN STARTS CRYING....
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"This is the worse day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right. I over slept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my
car was stolen & I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I
found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to
work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then YOU show up and
drink the poison."
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June 22, 2006
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy "as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded". Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, h e was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
to Catfish
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lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted,
and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady
and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over
and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . .
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
to Bob
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June 21, 2006
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., Senator John Kerry's campaign
manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal
that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if
the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few
words that would include calling Kerry a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man, and there are issues
of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."
Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a
donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you
see Kerry as a saint"
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money,
so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon
and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during
the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was
present.
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Senator
Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person.
Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to
flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed
hypocrite and a nit-wit. John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. John
Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally witnessed. He
turned on his buddies in Viet Nam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in
the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied
about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He
married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has
a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in
Washington and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to
Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."
H/T to Catfish
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June 14, 2006
* If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!
* If you're gonna burn our flag, wrap yourself in it first!
* You can't get on your feet till you get off your ass!
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
* If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?
* I tried seeing your point of view, but I couldn't get my head
that far up my ass!
* Are you drunk, or just on your cellphone?
* I'm not going slow, the clown in front of me is!
* Work harder, millions on welfare depend on it!
* Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
* I'd smack you, but SHIT splatters!
* Can you hear my middle finger over your blaring speakers?
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June 09, 2006
Seems that The Z-man got a cross-plane pass at the Paradise Internet Cafe and sent some of his first impressions to IowaHawk.
Go, read it if you dare, but be advised, your taking our own rish with moniter and keyboard if you don't put the liquids away first!
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June 08, 2006
a little problem!
It is going to take me
a little longer to answer
my E-mails now.
Acidman is right,cats are the bane of existance!
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June 07, 2006
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with long blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says,
"Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
H/T to Catfish
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