An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
> on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
>
> They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
> cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
> I'm going to jump off this building."
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
> get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
>
> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
> bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
>
> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
> cabbage, and jumped to his death.
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
>
> The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
> death as well.
>
> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping She said, "If I'd
> known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
> would have given it to him again!"
>
> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
> or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
>
> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
> said,
>
>
> "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:01 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 261 words, total size 1 kb.

Here's a "top Ten" list I can really "fweel":

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:04 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 13 words, total size 1 kb.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating That she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands Have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

H/T to da Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:18 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 145 words, total size 1 kb.

Three men stood at St. Peter's Gate. awaiting admission to heaven--A Catholic priest,a Baptist minister, and a Charismatic preacher. St. Peter checked his roster and said, "Oh, I'm sorry gentlemen,your quarters are not ready yet. Tell you what I'll do" --

and he got on the phone with Satan and asked if he could accomodate them down there untill their quarters were ready in Heaven. Satan reluctantly agreed.

However at the end of their second day in Hell, Satan contacted St. Peter, saying, "You HAVE GOT to come get these guys---The Catholic is forgiving everybody; the Baptist is saving every one, and the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning!."

H/T to my Mother-in-Law

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:37 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 124 words, total size 1 kb.

Now Catfish has been known to quaff a few brews now and again....in fact religiously, but I never thought it was a TRUE religious piety until he sent me this:

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:52 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 107 words, total size 1 kb.

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can -
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Sure sounds like ME, Catfish.........other than the gender.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:29 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 250 words, total size 1 kb.

Dear Friends,

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!" The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles,"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but as I swerved to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!!! If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a vet.

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:22 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 216 words, total size 1 kb.

This is the hostess for an Italian afternoon T.V. talk show...

And this is the hostess for an American morning T.V. talk show...

To enroll in your nearest language school to learn Italian, call:

Posted by: Erin at 04:38 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 50 words, total size 1 kb.

Frozen Skunk:

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used
to beat him with died at the scene.

Posted by: Erin at 04:28 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 144 words, total size 1 kb.

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk,
takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Posted by: Erin at 04:20 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 140 words, total size 1 kb.

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!

H/T to Catfish

Delftsman3

Posted by: Erin at 03:37 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 198 words, total size 1 kb.

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic
surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,
because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped
out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six
children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck
there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed
kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses
at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went
so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a
success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the
first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

Delftsman3

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Erin at 06:05 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 230 words, total size 1 kb.

I'm a Lotus Elise!

You believe in maximum performance and minimum baggage. You like to travel light and fast, hit the corners hard, and dance like there's no tomorrow.

"Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

-*- Yeah, I know that these tests are just for fun, but they sure pegged me on this one!

Delftsman3

Posted by: Erin at 07:29 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 63 words, total size 1 kb.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours
to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very
bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Posted by: Erin at 02:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 68 words, total size 1 kb.

Why English Officers Wore Red Coats

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English
colonel. They took him to their headquarters,
and the French general began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general
asked,
"Why do you English officers all wear red coats?

Don't you know the red material makes you easier
targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the
general that the reason English officers wear red
coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't
show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French
Army officers wear brown pants.

H/T Catfish

Posted by: Erin at 12:35 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 130 words, total size 1 kb.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber..
There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He
told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a
couple more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned
over and whispered his confusion.

"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and
you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your
Mother after I am gone."


YOU GOTTA LOVE THE IRISH!!

H/T to Jack

Posted by: Erin at 12:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 248 words, total size 1 kb.

I've always thought Foster Brooks was a really funny comic. I just HAD to repost this link I found at GuyK's site. As one of Guy's commenters noted; Mr. Brooks was fortunate to have worked in a period where the ACLU and P.C. groups such as M.A.D.D. weren't so prevalent and eager to sue anyone that found humor in their pet peeve of an issue.

And here's another example:

Posted by: Erin at 06:18 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 73 words, total size 1 kb.

Posted by: Erin at 08:29 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 13 words, total size 1 kb.

It's hard to find jokes without foul words in them these days, but Catfish sent me this one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker, lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell

if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is

neither son of a beech nor son of a birch. "It is however, the best

piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in"

Delftsman3

Posted by: Erin at 06:11 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 144 words, total size 1 kb.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:47 AM | Comments (101) | Add Comment
Post contains 248 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Max Cleland comes to mind. Picture that with a stick up it and covered in chocolate and nuts.

Posted by: Jack at November 03, 2006 11:07 AM (V/0+P)

2 hahahaha......some men are just never happy!

Posted by: Jean at November 04, 2006 07:28 AM (YadGF)

3 Very funny!

Posted by: Kiril, The Mad Macedonian at November 05, 2006 10:30 PM (viBgR)

4 11/8/2006 7:48:40 PM backgammon gambling

Posted by: backgammon gambling at November 08, 2006 12:51 PM (HNaSj)

5 ... ha!...

Posted by: Eric at November 08, 2006 08:23 PM (NlzwQ)

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Posted by: Bob at November 09, 2006 08:24 PM (WWQhl)

7 11/21/2006 8:06:03 AM green card

Posted by: green card at November 21, 2006 01:09 AM (HNaSj)

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