According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

9,374 people are having sex right now,

2,130 are kissing.

234 are getting head, and

1 lonely f**ker is reading this.

You hang in there, Sunshine !!!

Thank you for reading HERE !

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 39 words, total size 1 kb.

Care to repeat that "Lipstick on a pig" remark, Barry?

C'mon Dims, LET"S JUST COMPARE EXPERIENCE, WHY DON"T WE?...and hey, just WHY are you comparing our Veep choice with YOUR POTUS choice ?!?

Sarah the Riveter AND she rides a Harley ?!?

I hope I'm not being overconfident, but I hope that Sarah has some reading to do:

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:38 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 64 words, total size 2 kb.

From my friend Eddie:

I was talking to the little girl of a friend of mine. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, 'I want to be President!'

Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where there is a homeless guy that hangs out there. You can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.'

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

*********************************************************

Proof yet again that even a 6 year old can outthink a Liberal!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 230 words, total size 1 kb.

Sarah Palin as VP increases Depends sales among scatalogically frightened Democrats

Sarah PalinÂ’s suit is made from 100% dead liberal skin.

Sarah Palin prepped for her acceptance speech with a ritual sacrifice of Susan Estrich.

Sarah Palin drives herself to work everyday - in an M1A1 tank

Sarah Palin wears three quarter length sleeves to keep from getting blood on her clothes when she kills "debates" liberals.

The EPA placed polar bears on the endangered species lists because they knew raising 5 kids and governing the nation's largest state would leave Sarah Palin with way too much spare time for hunting.

Sarah Palin can make an authentic Eskimo kayak from the hide of a single political opponent.

Hordes of unemployed, former, state-employees in Alaska are still in shock after discovering the woman they mistook for a maid, meant a different kind of cleaning of the state capital.

Sarah Palin recently purchased a pair of fuzzy dice to hang from her rear-view mirror after the ornaments she'd planned to place there became unavailable once Levi Johnston proposed to Bristol.

Al Quada may disband since they fear what would happen if they harmed a hair on Track Palin's head much more than Allah.

Kudos to JACK

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 212 words, total size 1 kb.

A Baptist church down in central Kentucky had a very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ and distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get
another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on
the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will
not hath a thermon tewday".

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 157 words, total size 1 kb.

Talk Dirty to Me

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 37 words, total size 1 kb.

Now this is just Minnesota funny

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota ..

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, we think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. We want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish),
Harry and Nancy said to Obama,

"Well, tell us, how is John Mc. cheating?"

Obama replied, "You're not going to believe this,

but he's cutting holes in the ice!"

H/T to Jack and Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:01 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 312 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Hey, it fits Bert. Thanks

Posted by: Jack at August 25, 2008 11:29 PM (iwg2A)

2 I like it! It's definitely getting passed on to people I know.

Posted by: Princess Natasha at August 28, 2008 04:18 PM (iCIn6)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

'Nuff said.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 2 words, total size 1 kb.

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 224 words, total size 2 kb.

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:18 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 113 words, total size 1 kb.

Yeah I KNOW its not PC to make jokes about any minorities, but C'MOOOON, it's not like any blonds will get them and be offended anyway....and LORD knows, I've heard ALL the Dutch jokes I care to.
________________________________________________________________

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Debbie, were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it in.
Debbie, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing
those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.'
Debbie got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

********************************************************************

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter.'

**********************************************************************


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor, 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?'
'No, Silly, 'the blonde said, 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in
the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to
get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

**************************************************************************************

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a
little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and
asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop
out. The room mate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, helloooo!!! You need to roll
up the windows first !!!!'

*****************************************************************************************


A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to
ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!' So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What' s that ?' he asked.
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,'
she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... 'Two Popsicles and some coffee.'

*****************************************************************************


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I
got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry
for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I
have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office,
and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the
blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 761 words, total size 5 kb.

If you drive along country roads, you might catch sight of a turtle balanced on top of a fence post, where it clearly didn't get on its own, where it doesn't belong, and where it has no idea what to do. You'll probably wonder what kind of jackasses put it up there. It is only a matter of time before it falls. Most likely you'll want to help the poor dumb thing down.
Remind you of anyone?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 81 words, total size 1 kb.

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'
The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

'See you tomorrow Sir.

(May the answer ever stay the same !!)

Thanks for the link Sis !

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 250 words, total size 1 kb.

HMMM.....THIS KID must be Dutch! He escapes from his Daycare Center and heads to (where else?!?) HOOTERS. Five years old and already showing a predilection for the finer things in life. LMAO

Seriously though, had I a child in this Daycare, he/she wouldn't be there as of the minute I heard about this. As a parent I know how quickly the little ones can get into mischief, but the Center had a professional responsibility to ensure that such incidents couldn't occur.

I understand that no exit doors can be locked from the inside of any public building for fire safety reasons, but just how can a 5 yo push open a door that has the proper push bar mechanism installed, without being noticed by staff? I don't know about Texas, but here in Indiana, most such secondary exit doors are alarmed and make a blare of noise when opened. Nothing less than incompetent lack of foresight at work here.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 163 words, total size 1 kb.

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST
AP July 8, 2008

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers, and candidates for President of the United States.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly folks.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 89 words, total size 1 kb.

For those of you who understand computer language, you might appreciate this spoof on "Installing a Husband" that I received from my B-i-L . (The original author is unknown.) ENJOY!

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Best to you,
Tech Support

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 319 words, total size 2 kb.

A little airline humor...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

*********************************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

*********************************************************

Thanks Catfish!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 221 words, total size 1 kb.

Another oldie but goodie:

7 X growth in size

An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until Mary stood up, angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) You have a dirty mind, (2) You didn't read your homework ; and (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:38 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 215 words, total size 1 kb.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 307 words, total size 2 kb.