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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

*******************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

*******************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

*******************************************************

An F-15 pulled up alongside a C-141 up in the flight levels and managed to contact the cargo plane on the radio. After chatting a while, the fighter pilot said, "Hey, watch this!", and proceeded to do a barrel roll around the C-141.

The C-141 pilot was duly impressed, and called back, "That's nothing. Watch this..."

After two minutes of stright and level flight, the fighter pilot couldn't stand it, and said, "OK, what did you do?".

The C-141 pilot said, "I just got up, walked back to the restroom and took a piss, stretched my legs for a while, then got a cup of coffee."

*******************************************************
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines flight, its 3PM.
If it is Air Force, its 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, its 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, Mickey's big hand is on the 12 and Mickey's little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, its Thursday afternoon."

*******************************************************

I have a friend that used to fly out of PDK near Atlanta in the "olden days".

He knew the tower contoller personally, and one night he called him up on approach and said, "Charlie, this is N_____. Clear the field, I'm coming in on one engine."

On final approach, the tower said, "Damn you Clarence, you've only got one engine!".

*******************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

###########################################

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:02 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of
security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:14 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 76 words, total size 1 kb.

You know you need a new lawyer WHEN....


During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you his last good case was a "Budweiser"

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing "Duck-duck-goose"

During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.

A prison guard is shaving your head..

Every couple of minutes, he yells "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!"
and downs a shot.

He frequently gives juror number 4 the finger.

He places a large "NO REFUNDS" sign on the defense table.

He begins his closing with "As Ally McBeal once said..."

Just before he says "Your Honor", he makes little quotation marks in
the air with his fingers.

The sign in front of his office reads "Practicing law since 2:30pm".

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge "Whatever."

He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs".

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

*************************************************

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

**************************************************

Energy Efficiency -- While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor. Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

**************************************************

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

**************************************************

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:34 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 368 words, total size 3 kb.

After getting all of Billy Graham's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Mr. Graham is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Mr. Graham," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says Mr. Graham, "they never let me drive
anymore, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?," protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," s! ays Mr. Graham.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the bac! k as Billy Graham climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, Mr. Graham floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, sir!!!" pleads the worried driver, but Billy keeps the
pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, man, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

Billy pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on
the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: " He's got Billy Graham for a limo driver!"

*********************************
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture .....of handcuffs

*********************************
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:59 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 445 words, total size 3 kb.

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

REPUBLICAN, Believer in Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your
government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks
of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts. Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while
they were in the hospital.

IRAQIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you
pick some fat cow from Arkansas

Hat Tip to SlagleRock

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 587 words, total size 4 kb.

Ever wonder what happens when a computer graphics artist gets bored?

Here's some possible results:

Now THERE'S a ride I'D like to take!

And yes, some Voyeurism:

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 43 words, total size 2 kb.

This is just a humorous parody, if it isn't actually true... :

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed a call to Citibank:

"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery
Hwy 129,

plot number 6 9

Odessa, Texas."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 383 words, total size 3 kb.

To spank or not to spank? That is the question. Personally, I firmly believe that there are some times when children just need a firm swat on the rear to engage their brains to what your trying to put down to them.

Others do have other methods however:

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of America's populace thinks it is very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of"those moments".

One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.

I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Its very effective!

Now THATS really tough love!!!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:54 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 149 words, total size 1 kb.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 223 words, total size 2 kb.

Well, I've posted two "serious" posts, it's time to lighten up with just a little humor, courtesy of Catfish.

Jamaican Fireman

A Jamaican fireman came home from work,
one day and said to his wife,
"Y ' know sumpin, we have a wonderful new
system at de fire station."

"Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
"Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
"Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and
we's ready to go.

From now on,
when I say, 'Bell 1 '
.....I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell 2 '
.....you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell 3 '
.....we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night, he came home and shouted,
"Bell 1 "
.....and the wife stripped naked.
"Bell 2 "
.....and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell 3 "
.....and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out,
"Bell 4 ."

"What de hell is 'Bell 4 '?" he asked.

She replied,
....."Roll out more hose, mon,
you ain't nowhere near da fire!!!!!!!

And here's another one, from Bob:

Cowboy in a Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar two steps when he realizes it's a gay bar.

What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay
waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies." The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,

Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to
be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock!' " And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET, Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer,
but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 533 words, total size 3 kb.

Star Wars Horoscope for Taurus

You are a dependable creature, but you do tend to be stubborn. You like material possessions and love to win at games. You hate being bossed around or losing. You may succumb to your physical strength when upset. Star wars character you are most like: Chewbacca

Hmmmm; Maybe Mamamontezz was right when she called me a big hairy-assed ape?

Surprisingly, the attributes listed do fit me pretty well. Now if someone could just recommend a good barbor.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:22 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 96 words, total size 2 kb.