Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all
day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender,finally says "You've had yer fill,
you'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy
spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat
on his face.

"What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards
the door and falls flat on his face again.

"Damn!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just
get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door
frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a
step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his
face.

Wow... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and
decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No
flappin' way."

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom
door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his
face again.

He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but
manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But
how'd you know?"

"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub!!

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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her . 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.

'Which word?' the woman asked.

'Love.'

The woman correctly spelled 'Love'.

And Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her.

'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.

And my wife and I traveled all around the world.

We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!

'How do I get in?' '
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.

'Which word?' her husband asked.

' Czechoslovakia .'

Moral of the story: Never make a woman
angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

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'Irish Viagra'

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the
doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and w ith his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare,
I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"Good jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm
sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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I love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. “Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off
It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protrudi ng. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, “Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.'”

H?T to CATFISH

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How To Give A
Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie
the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.
Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To
Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Thanks Cat!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that
her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

H/T to Catfish

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To Catfish

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This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa .

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:You could look like a dick with buck teeth!

to Catfish

!

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A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says: "did you know that we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper replies: "what, you have a drink named Steve?!?"

#################################################

Two men are walking down the street when they observe a dog in the middle of the road licking his balls. One man says to the other:" I wish I could do that !", to which the second man replied: "maybe you should pet him first!".

#################################################

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

#################################################

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

#*#**#*#*#**#*#**#*#**#*#**#*#***#**#*#*#*#**#*#**#**##*#*

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

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After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , an Ivy League
slacker student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can
give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go.
If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the
exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the
student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as
agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same
question.

The smart student immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and
married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife
has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you
have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed,
is neither legal, nor logical."

H/T to Catfish

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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes:

'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at
night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

H/T to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:26 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a
half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch
me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

H/T to my B-i-L Wayne

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1 Yes, I do think your opinion is righteous. (So do lots of people). Luckily majority of people are intelligent .

Posted by: MYip at April 06, 2008 02:43 PM (mxzhq)

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Mwah-ha-ha! Cackle, cackle! Some people conduct their evil business in secret, but not you. You're proud of your dark and devious ways. You're so evil that when other people find out about it, they don't even bother to fight back – they cower in fear. That's convenient for you, because it's easy to convince all those scaredy-cats to do your bidding. Yay for minions! Now you can relax at home, clasping your hands together gleefully, while they do all your dirty work.

Zoiks! My secret is out....oh well; do my bidding, you miserable worms!

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Ole was walking home late at night, through the park,
And sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars," she whispers.

Ole had never been with a hooker before, but decides,
What the heck, it's only twenty dollars.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer. "What's going on here,
people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shined that
damn light in her face."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:27 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had
told her that she was going to do dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third
day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Mississippi.
He had given his wife orders that she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he
saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his
house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was
a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from INDIANA . He
told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:25 PM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

*California became a state.

*The State had no electricity.

*The State had no money.

*Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

*There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

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Four football fans - a Cowboys fan, an Eagles fan, a COLTS fan
and a Patriots fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who
loves his team more.

The Cowboys fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the
Cowboys!' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the
Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain.

The COLTS fan is next to profess his love for his team. He
yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Patriot fan off the
mountain.

GO COLTS!

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