A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura
Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:20 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 148 words, total size 1 kb.

If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged
like these:

Sad! Very, very sad....................

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:43 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 46 words, total size 2 kb.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL of the story: Women mean business. Don't mess with them!!

The female of the species IS truly the more vicious.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:44 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 275 words, total size 2 kb.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand,
I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated,"By check and I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know." said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 209 words, total size 2 kb.

A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting for the city bus.

When the young woman stepped up to board the bus, she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The embarrassed young woman reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus. Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help.

A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed, young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and helped her onto the bus.

As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"

The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda figured that we was friends!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:14 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 160 words, total size 1 kb.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

I was a little disappointed by some of the wording of the questions in this quiz, it was definately skewed from a partisan viewpoint. Yet the results are fairly accurate in my case, a little too high, but not by that much.

H/T to Wanda for the link

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:18 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 75 words, total size 2 kb.

A woman having just realized that her dog could hardly hear, took it to the veterinarian. The vet found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady, that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she should buy someNair Hair Remover and rub a dab carefully in the dog's outer ear, once a month.

The lady finds the Nair at a drugstore and when checking out, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms" to which the druggist says,"If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 171 words, total size 1 kb.

To THIS, All I can say is AMEN!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:57 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 14 words, total size 1 kb.

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me an admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.....

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:46 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 186 words, total size 2 kb.

BUDS & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can
show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening!

Have A Great Day!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:38 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 135 words, total size 1 kb.

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me an admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku! Klux Klan.....

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 182 words, total size 2 kb.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward
silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.Once they reach
cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat,and mutters,

"I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

It's just a silly joke, but the fact is it does point out the inanity of many prejudices.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:06 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 164 words, total size 2 kb.

Well, I HAD to post SOMETHING. It may be a little lame, but it's my birthday, so bear with me.

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom when he gets home from work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:55 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 112 words, total size 1 kb.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that Black American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern red neck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:14 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 254 words, total size 2 kb.

How to tell you have a Redneck Pilot

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

Your toothpick keeps poking your mic.

You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".

You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.

You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.

You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the
landing gear.

You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.

There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.

You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.

You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.

You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals

Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 267 words, total size 2 kb.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint!
We havedigital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f..ing bored!" Ground Traffic
Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I
was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,

your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,

Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always

<> wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked! , "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for
a priority landing because his single-engine jet
fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven
engine approach."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 222 words, total size 2 kb.

Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger Pope Benedict XVl all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.

St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.

He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done..."

hat tip to JHSMom02, from Lucianne

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 252 words, total size 2 kb.

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so
nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle
clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan
said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she
is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more
children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it
is safe for me to come home.

Remember, things might not always be as bad as they seem when your in the moment, give your kids a hug today, listen to them, and give them the chance to show you that they aren't as bad as you think.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:32 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 367 words, total size 2 kb.

A beautiful actressÂ’ long-time agent discovered one day that sheÂ’d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadnÂ’t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients.

Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But donÂ’t I even get my agentÂ’s ten percent as a discount?"

"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."

Her agent wasnÂ’t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.

When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.

Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partnerÂ’s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, youÂ’re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."

"IÂ’m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "HeÂ’s at the door selling tickets."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:51 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 267 words, total size 2 kb.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

H/T top Jack for the truism

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 100 words, total size 1 kb.