It's amazing what you can find sometimes when you spend a litle time going through link trees of places that have visited you.

Here's a little thing that would bring joy to a PETA moonbats heart; brings a whole new meaning to their battle cry of "meat kills!".

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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For a little levity, listen to this classic from the old Tonight show. A classic piece of comedy featering Jack Webb and Johny Carson in 1968. It stands the test of time well.
(requires windows media player)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:25 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 As a child i appeared on Candid Camera,they came to my school in New Jersey,and filmed myself and a few classmates talking about road signs,this was about 1967 ,it was shown on The Tonight show sometimein 68 or 69 during an Allen Funt Visit to the the show. Ihave tried to get a clip or trancript from both the Tonight show archives and Candid Camera but they were erased and are part of the lost episodes of both shows. I guess thay was my fiften minutes of fame. So much for my music career I miss the Carson Show and the intro theme most of all. Funny and true story

Posted by: NeilV at February 21, 2005 10:42 PM (YpRpk)

2 There has been a void on late night teevee since he left. Here's a good send-off though, in case you haven't seen it yet: http://curmudgeonisms.blogspot.com/2005/01/better-late-than-never.html

Posted by: Dave S. at February 25, 2005 04:56 AM (xWF8s)

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With all the sadness that was in the couple following posts, I think it's time for just a little levity to boost us from the doldrums.

Go here and listen to something that is sure to bring up a good laugh!

THANK YOU, Jack, I really needed that!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

Another tip of the hat to Slaglerock!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:42 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Can YOU play the piano with your balls?

hat tip to Slaglerock

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You just might be a Redneck...If you have a pet named Patches...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:38 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were
given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they
went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they
fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the
whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and
sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole
out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and
then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and
laughed:
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the
height and he gives us the length!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:06 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a
generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen.

For instance, Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is
ibuprophen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive
gives new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs. Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

hat tip to Bob for the humor

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:38 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Sorry for the light posting, but things here have been a little strange....ever since the Big Rat Escape, in fact! I guess having a rat wake you up by crawling across your face just does something to your mind... I guess I could just attribute my writers block to P.T.R.S.* Syndromes of all sorts seem to work for Democrats, might as well join the bandwagon!

The one on the left was just getting off my face when I woke up...and those are just "the girls". Dumpling and Cecelie.

Here are "the boys", Misha and Slagle:

I'm ALMOST used to Misha:

If you EVER go to a pet store and your wife looks at rats and starts cooing "aren't they soooo Cuuuute"? RUN like hell!

*Post Traumatic Rat Syndrome....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Why Men Are Just Happier People -

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
The occasional well-rendered belch is practical! ly expec ted.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood-all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:12 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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I have only two things to say about THIS.....JUST DAMN!

Hat Tip to Acidman

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:48 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Now, HERE'S an example of someone that just isn't very good in his chosen profession.

Too bad the homeowner didn't use a .357 and cap his ass instead of just a rolling pin. Hopefully the jackass will learn a new way of making a living while he's a guest of the graybar hotel.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:53 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Unabashedly stolenborrowed from Romeocat of Cathouse Chat.

Another member to be added to the Empire LC blogroll...

Now if only Mamamontezz displayed such pulchratudnity...she more than makes up for it with her patriotic ardor however!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:50 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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If your in the mood for a great laugh, clickHere

Or, If your more into Eurotrash rather than Queen, go HERE.

Just another service of the Citadel. First we hit you with the Cluebat™, but then then we ease the pain with a laugh.
(
Hat tip to Darth for the second link)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A
slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not
hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like
something. "A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she asks? He declines.
"The
Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants
anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "Naw, I'm still not
hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me
up? I'm starving."

Hat tip to Catfish

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:49 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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An American tourist in London decides to skip his
tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around,
seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a
pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class
area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no
restaurants, and worst of all.... no public toilets. He really,
really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side
street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by
a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply
cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American,
"but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find
a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along
a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir,
anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most
beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary,
fountains,sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous
flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he
unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the
Bobbie"That was really decent of you. Is that what you
call "British Hospitality?"

"No, sir," replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call
the French Embassy."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:18 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:03 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular clich for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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US Marine Corp Rules for Gunfights

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
(Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; alw! ays win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the caliber, stance, or tactics. They will remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating.

Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfights

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfights

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.

Army Rules For Gunfights

1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

US Air Force Rules For Gunfights

1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on HBO
4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DoD & de! fense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines

US Navy Rules For Gunfights

1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn
4. Send the Marines

Hat tip to Slaglerock

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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

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