January 04, 2008
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, Jesus said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
"JESUS SAVES"
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January 02, 2008
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December 13, 2007
AS THE NEW GERMAN POPE MAKES A FEW CHANGES.....
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needed a woman to enjoy it with. One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.
"Impressed, the woman went home with him and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men !!!
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Had to set right it since can donate new and wont be abel probablu antil the end of ressesion 
Точно! Много! Быстро!
Сбор данных по городу и области 4000 рублей
Сбор данных по стране 6000 рублей
Вы можете узнать подробнее
по телефону: +79133913837
Email: prodawez@mixmail.com
ICQ: 62-888-62
Skype: basedannixDecember 07, 2007
Thanks for the reminder Sis...
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December 01, 2007
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you determine.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife and charges at you.
You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock and you are an expert shot. You
have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you
do?
---------------------------------------------
Think carefully, determine what you would do and then scroll
down to compare your answer against the test standards.
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for
few days and try to come to a consensus.
---------------------------------------------
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
----------------------------------------------
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(hint: In MY world I wouldn't CARE what the wife said, it's MY trophy dammit, and I'll do what I wish with it!)
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November 29, 2007
Finally !! someone has been able to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
H/T to Catfish
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A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to
San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making
notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued
with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he
asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden
phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk
directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued
to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and
around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same
answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Kentucky , upon entering a church in Corbin ,
K.y. , behold - he saw the usual golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in
cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a
direct line to Heaven and that I c ould talk to GOD, but in the other churches the
cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"
I love this part.............................
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Kentucky now
......
You're in God's Country, It's a local call."
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November 28, 2007
Every day, he was five, ten, or fifteen minutes late. But, he was a good
worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I
have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your
being late so often is quite bothersome!"
"Yes, I know Boss, and I'm working on it."
"Well, good -- you're a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.
What did they say, if you came in late there?"
"They said, Good Morning, General!"
Thanks Catfish!
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November 27, 2007
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There
was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
After several embarrassing seconds had past, a little old lady seated in
the back pew, stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift
from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
H/T to SlagleRock
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November 24, 2007
The Amish man shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."
The Amish man said: "Use two hands. You'll get more."
To Nancy
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To Catfish
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The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
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November 17, 2007
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
-------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks..
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I 'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
--------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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November 15, 2007
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November 11, 2007
events of that fateful morning...)
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It
was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!"
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Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."
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