October 12, 2006
husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot
Thanks Catfish!
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August 26, 2006
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
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August 18, 2006
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. When he finished, he gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down.
I D 1 0 T
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He was happy to get the sushi. The HeartSmart diet is going to take some getting used to, and it's not as satisfying as he'd like, not by a long shot. He'll get used to it, or he'll go hungry.
You know, it isn't as though I don't cook healthy. Both jane and michael also take great pains to eat sensibly and both cook very healthy meals. You have to go out of your way to eat poorly at our house. I guess the secret is to not use sodium-laden condiments as a side dish.
So this weekend I plan on going through the kitchen, evaluating each condiment, the Thai peanut chilli sauce, the Sweet Ginger Chilli sauce, the Mushroom Soy, A1, Worchestershire sauce... I love cooking with very small amounts of them, just to enhance an already good dish. But since he has no self control and insists on slathering these things over every dish as though they needed them, I have no choice but to either put them where he cannot get to them or toss them out entirely.
I don't anticipate him being sent home anytime today or Saturday. He probably won't get home before Monday. The found what he is calling a "Collapsed Valve" on his heart, although I'm sure he meant that it has prolapsed. Not a good thing, but fixable if he can show that he won't squander this opportunity for a life-extension the same way he has all of the previous ones they have given him.
In the meantime, since I know he likes to post the little jokes and things he is sent in email, here's one I got today that sounded pretty good.
_______________________________________
Life the way it should be!
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?) and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
______________________________________
Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. Thank you to the ones of you who took the time to call him to talk. Thank you for the time you have taken to let us know how much you think of him. If I can get him well enough for Tampa the next time, he'll be there.
Mamamontezz
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August 14, 2006
religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
H/T to Catfish
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August 13, 2006
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother told him no breakfast until he did his chores.Well, he was a little pissed, so he went to feed the chickens,and he kicked a chicken. He went to feed the cows, and he kicked a cow. He went to feed the pigs, and he kicked a pig.He went back in for breakfast and his mother gave him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asked.
"Well," his mother said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father came down for breakfast and kicked the cat halfway across the kitchen.The little boy looked up at his mother with a smile, and said:Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
H/t to GuyK
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August 12, 2006
Just when you were wondering if medicine would ever invent "Anti-Viagra" for satyriasis.
Revealing Hillary Clinton bust unveiled
Fri Aug 11, 2:09 PM ET
It's a bust of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton — in more ways than one.
Just when you thought the press and others couldn't suck Hillary's toe cheese enough in orgasmic delight, along comes an artist that sniffs her jock strap.
Cast in resin and bearing ample cleavage, a bust of the New York Democrat was unveiled this week at the Museum of Sex in Manhattan.
The Museum of Sex also features a humidor of cigars from the Oval Office Circa 1995.
Calling his creation "The Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton: The First Woman President of the United States," artist Daniel Edwards said he wanted to depict the 58-year-old Clinton "with her head held high, a youthful spirit and a face matured by wisdom."
Now that is the most blindingly assinine "creative" thought you ever had. It's tough out there being an artist. You not only have to have talent and a lack of reality, but are willing to make a fool of yourself to anyone living outside Manhattan.
You are truly an artist now, pardon us while we finish cleaning coffee off of our keyboards.
Indeed, while the former first lady's face is shown with a few wrinkles, Edwards cast her in a low-cut floral dress that reveals her shoulders and chest.
"Her cleavage is on display, prominently portraying sexual power which some people still consider too threatening," Edwards said.
The artist, finished with chowing Madame Cankles "package protector" continues on, with a tongue bath of her ass crack.
Sex and Power do NOT come to mind when I think of Hillary. The vision is more like the "Skanky Lesbians of New York" DVD, with delusions of grandeur and the power of being shrill enough to crack china at 1000 yards.
Edwards has a knack for creating pieces that attract publicity — his last work, unveiled at a gallery in Brooklyn, depicted Britney Spears on her knees giving birth on a bearskin rug.
Another national treasure of art. Any bets that he receives funding from the National Endowment of the Arts?
This p0rnography disguised as creative expression is their specialty, as no one would ever buy this steaming piece of shit. Obvioulsy from the same crowd of hopelessly batshit lefties that brought us crucifixes in urine.
Clinton is widely thought to be considering a presidential run in 2008 but has not declared her plans. She has not commented on the bust, her office said Friday.
You gotta be joking me......"but she has not declared her plans". Here's a clue you worthless, pandering, talentless snot weasel. She had plans for the Oval Office when her worthless husband first planted his butt in the office chair and unzipped his fly.
Just in case you thought it was safe to finish reading this, here have a gander:
Stay tuned, I'm sure his next "fabulous" work will feature Rosie and Cynthia McKinney doing the horizontal mambo "Double Dilly Style"
Let's hope Mr. Edwards has a lifestyle choice that results in a lack of progeny, as he's wasting valuable oxygen as well as creating crap with his hands and colon. Hey, maybe he does have a unique talent.
You are now free to move about the residence, vomiting uncontrollably.
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August 10, 2006
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender...
*Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
*Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
*A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
*A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
*Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
*A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
*A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
*An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
*A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
*A Remote Control is Female. Had you fooled! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
H/T to Catfish (who else?! lol)
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August 07, 2006
Jesse Jackson was in Sears.
He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked,
"What's the problem here, Reverend?"
Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact
that all of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the
washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids,
you'll see that all the agitators are black."
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August 06, 2006
You may remember that on July 8, 1947 , witnesses claim an unidentified object
with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .
This is a well known incident that many say...
has been profusely covered up by the Air Force and the US government.
However....... what you may NOT well know is that on March 31, 1948 -
exactly nine months after that historic day, Al Gore was born.
That piece of information clears up a lot of things.
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Here: http://hillaryisanidiot.blogspot.com/
August 05, 2006
to KeesKennis for the pics
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to Catfish
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August 04, 2006
A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets,
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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August 03, 2006
And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
to GuyK
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August 02, 2006
Kerry's reaction to the news that Hillery had announced her candidacy in '08:
MS, in an effort to cut costs, hires new hardware techs:
Ahnuld S. flexes his muscles when challenged by the state Senate:
ANNA is coming home next week! Even the cat is happy:
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July 31, 2006
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
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July 30, 2006
Keep them coming buddy!
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
_____________________________
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July 28, 2006
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!) (here's your sign! ~ D)
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.
To Catfish
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July 17, 2006
PORK, the other white meat!
9 out of 10 Mullahs agree, new Koranic Pork Rinds™ can't be beat!
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