WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:54 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A friend sent me this today...pretty much sums up my attitude toward most government.

In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:20 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A senior citizens' group charters a bus from San Angelo, TX to Branson. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver..

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away..."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:29 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Only a Canadian.......

From the province where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a Lethbridge, Alberta bar. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it", said the truly proud Canadian,

"Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Who said that Catholics can't laugh at themselves?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Blatently stolen borrowed from Your Moosey Fate

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs
and said: "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said: "This bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said:
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, said: "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said: "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded
from critical to stable, and he should eventually make
a full recovery...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It's long been E-Bay Auctions policy to not allow the posting of auctions for firearms or live ammunition of any type. I can almost agree with their position, since with the plethora of laws pertaining to such sales just in the US, much less the world, would make it an almost impossible task to remain legal in every area where they operate, and they don't need the headaches.

Having said that, E-bay has gone overboard in the other direction in their effort to protect themselves to the point of absurdity. and in a classic case of demonstrating absurdity by being absurd, an E-bay seller in Australia has put up this "auction". And you don't see the humor in it, I truly feel sorry for you.

He also put up another little visual to further make his point:

E-bay really does need to lighten up on the PC/GFW bit a little bit. I don't think that they need to sell weapons, but to disallow even the slightest referance to them to pull an aution as breaking the rules is, to put it mildly, ludicrous.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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When you see this on the way to work you might as well turn around and go back home because it is NOT going to be a good day!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:38 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour.

Among them was Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83.

When he arrived in Paris by plane and took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on at French Customs, the customs officer asked sarcastically, "You have been to France before, monsieur?"

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate
this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

This is a true story, 'Nuff SAID.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:23 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Liberal Utopia has a FANTASTIC fisk of a New York Times memorandum. If you need to have a good laugh, go read it, but be warned, remove any liquids from the area of your keyboard before you do, the management™ assumes no responsiblity for drink-doused equipment!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:13 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I am 19% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

To paraphrase what Acidman said, I already was aware of my ability, but I let that 19% have free reign frequently.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I taste like Beef. I taste like beef. I'm probably made of beef. You are what you eat, they say, and if the title didn't mean something else, I would be a beefeater. I think red meat is good for you. Puts hair on your chest. What Flavour Are You?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I think this is a joke, but the way things are today....Thanks to Something ...and Half of Something for the link....wonder how much they would charge to....old boss...Bastard....

Needless to say, Something.....) has been added to the blogroll in her rightful place among the Loyal Citizens.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:00 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I saw this on LC Beth's site and thought it looked like fun.

Here are the Rules:

The Book Game

1. Grab the nearest book

2. Open the book to page 123

3. Find the fifth sentence

4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest!

"He counted to three and demanded of himself that he go down and not have to shame himself by counting again. One,two--"

"Three", he murmured." "His feet were numb from the glass."
Star Trek: The Great Starship Race

Ok, so I read trash, I like it. Give it a go and see what you come up with.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she
was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more
weight. "Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a
baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage
and said,... "Cute little fart."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:35 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Two Muslims are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of
fermented goat's milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and
they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."

"You must be so proud," says the other.

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man," replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim says wistfully,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

H/T to Weaselteeth

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:29 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Dave over at Curmudgeonisms has a great fisking of a soft-brained commenter who sounds as if he were a prime example of our Public School System Indoctrination Center, even though he's a product of Merry Olde England..... A good fisk is truly a joy to behold.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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As is the wont of politicians, Bill Clinton has had his official portrait done, so as to have his place in posterity assured in the hall of Presidents.

So without furthur ado, here is the official portrait as it will be hung in Washington:

Stolen"Borrowed from El Zippo the Pirate

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of
the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The old rooster looks
over his shoulder, sees the youngster gaining on him, and really puts on
some speed...

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he
blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit ... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery
will always overcome youth and skill!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a

woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other

side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum

stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's face .... PRICELESS.

Hat tip to Slaglerock

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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