In my never ending quest to offend everyone, I decided to pass on this E-mail I got from someone with obviously a little too much time on his hands....

Yo Momma is SOOOO Fat...

When she dances she makes the band skip

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave
her 13 years to live

She puts mayonnaise on aspirin

Her butt has its own congressman

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard

When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts

Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph

Her driver's license says "picture continued on other side"

The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

All the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy:
240 patrons or Yo mama"

When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton

When she gets in an elevator, it has no choice but to go down

She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her

I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side

They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side
to get her through

Her nickname is "daaamn!!"

She has to iron her pants on the driveway

She's on both sides of the family

When I yell "Kool-aid," she comes crashing through the wall

She could sell shade

When she crosses the street, cars look out for her

People jog around her for exercise

She gets runs in her jeans

Her blood type is Ragu

When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an
estimate

If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!

She has to put her belt on with a boomerang

When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party

She can't even jump to a conclusion

She went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

She was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of
gas

and of course......

yo momma is so fat that when she wears her Malcolm X t- shirt,
helicopters land on her back.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 397 words, total size 3 kb.

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and

each time the thunder boomed he
watched her jump.

She looked across the room and
admired his strong appearance... and

wished that he would take her in his
arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.

She wanted that... more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power
went out... She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was
cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist
but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on... as did their growing
passion. And
there came a moment when each knew
that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand...
So consumed were they in their passion
that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera...

>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>

>>>>>

>>>

>>

>

....And just what were YOU thinking????

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:26 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 199 words, total size 2 kb.

Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife, mow the lawn.

Amanda from next door was so upset at this that she came over and
shouted "you should be hung."

I took a slug from my bottle of Corona, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly at this
nosey woman and calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

After a few days I felt really bad so I went and bought my wife a
riding mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got,
I have attached a picture.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 125 words, total size 1 kb.

Doggeral Pundit has a little verse constituting fair warning to those of you that have fallen sway to the class-warfare meme of those that constantly harp that the "Rich" don't pay their "fair share". Remember it when they reclassify YOU in a higher bracket!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 54 words, total size 1 kb.

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step
into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this
gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes
a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than
60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over
a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt
backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me,
half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said.
"Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps........

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:35 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 455 words, total size 3 kb.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and
yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps,throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
shout,WHO'S HORNY!?!" and she acts like she is asleep every time.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 168 words, total size 1 kb.

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it's fair - given that you are blind - that you know five things:

#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

#3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter.

#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:18 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 181 words, total size 1 kb.

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they
walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then
he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch
hiking,he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down
the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he
remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.

Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"thud."

Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father.

I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 205 words, total size 2 kb.

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in
sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the
facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If
he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll
pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the
hall.

As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around
his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
better health plan."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 146 words, total size 1 kb.

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
to you on April 1 this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my porch
on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the
porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down
and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense! A ttorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's
when I shot the little bastard!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:03 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 256 words, total size 2 kb.

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a
bit clearer.

IN PRISON. You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell
alone.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle with
jackasses.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal ... ... . and you pay
for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior, with accolades.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior, with grief.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a stupid security card and open all
the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with others who pee on the seat, and
throw tp all around the room, fancy and crazy like. (and some who leave crap
in the toilet)

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family or friends.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out and see people.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get away from people
and go to bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK.... they are called sadistic managers.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:06 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 280 words, total size 2 kb.

Barbara Walters (20/20) did a story on gender roles:

In Kabul several years ago before the Afghan
conflict. She highlighted how women objected to the custom of having
to walk about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, walked even further back, and appeared pleased with the custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghan women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with this old custom that you tried so hard to change?"

"Land mines." answered the Afghan woman.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:00 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 101 words, total size 1 kb.

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving goodness out of the guy and says, "Do you want me to stop OR JUST SLOW DOWN?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:56 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 145 words, total size 1 kb.

I saw this cartoon in my E-mail and thought: "what a good response to Moonbat ravings..." So from now on, when I see a story that I find particularly "out there", I think I'll preface it with this cartoon:

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 49 words, total size 1 kb.

On rereading my last post I realized that I intertwined two main thoughts that are interconnected into a near incomprhensible mish-mosh, but I just don't have the mental acuity to separate and expound/illuminate them right now.

I am sure it has ideas sure to anger a portion of people that don't care to see themselves referred to cowards of the worst sort, those that fool themselves into thinking they have taken a moral stand, when in reality they have no clue of what it takes to survive in the raw real world.

I thought, why limit myself? Hence, here are some bits of humor that contain something assurred to offend almost everybody. It's the PC thing to do isn't it?
Not fair to offend just one group;everyone must feel the same sense of rightious indignation!

*******************************************************************

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
> > Juan on Juan
> >
> > What is a Yankee?
> > The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
> >
> > What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
> > The position of the dirt bag
> >
> > Why is divorce so expensive?
> > Because it's worth it.
> >
> > What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> > Doughnuts?
> >
> > Why is air a lot like sex?
> > Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
> >
> > What do you call a smart blonde?
> > A golden retriever.
> >
> > What do attorneys use for birth control?
> > Their personalities.
> >
> > What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> > 45 lbs
> >
> > What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> > 45 minutes
> >
> > What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> > Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> >
> > Why do men want to marry virgins?
> > They can't stand criticism.
> >
> > Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
> > and good-looking?
> > Because those men already have boyfriends.
> >
> > What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> > After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
> >
> > What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> > The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> > driving.
> >
> > Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
> > Because they have cotton balls.
> >
> > What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> > A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
> >
> > What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> > "Are you sure it's mine?"
> >
> > Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> > Mace will do that to you.
> >
> > Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
> > Everyone has the same DNA.
> >
> > Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> > Breasts don't have eyes.
> >
> > Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
> > He walks around saying "Yo."
> >
> > Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
> > on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> > Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
> >
> > Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> > A different bar.
> >
> > Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
> > They named him "Sum Ting Wong
> >
> > What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
> > other?
> > A speech impediment.
> >
> > What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
> > half-mast?
> > They're hiring.
> >
> > What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> > A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
> > cage
> > along with... "a recipe".
> >
> > How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
> > Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
> >
> > What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
> > fairytale?
> > A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
> > begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
> >
> > Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
> > No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

I'm going back to bed to rest up for the onslaught of criticism.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:13 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 869 words, total size 5 kb.

She says:"Honey, will you please scrape the ice off the car while I get ready for work?"

Hubby, being the kind hearted soul he is, says "Sure, Sweetheart"

Then he gets outside and finds that she had looked out the window before making her (seemingly reasonable) request:

The poor sap, will he NEVER learn?

H/T to Hawk for the pic.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:44 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 66 words, total size 1 kb.

How about some humorous definitions to bring a smile to your lips?

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end and a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day
internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his
bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes
of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through
"the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power
is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a
feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open
their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more
than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to
be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a
way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower
says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter
in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that
he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and
your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills
you with his bills.

31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such
mails......

Hat tip to Mamamontezz, thanks for cheering me up Honey!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:16 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 523 words, total size 3 kb.

If you need a good laugh, I found this link at Lucianne.

Amazing what a little skill in Photoshop can do to bring on a hearty belly laugh!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 34 words, total size 1 kb.

A Soldier tells about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the US flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock.

The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly, "yes, I always wear it and I probably always will."

The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.

A gentleman standing behind the soldier stepped forward, putting his arm around his shoulders, and nodding towards the soldier, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 247 words, total size 2 kb.

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:09 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 201 words, total size 2 kb.