October 10, 2005
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
08:00 PM
| Comments (4)
| Add Comment
Post contains 303 words, total size 2 kb.
Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and
that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten
my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever
the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and
I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that
came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised
me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you
cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because
the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning
and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter thatyou wrote, you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
05:52 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 456 words, total size 2 kb.
Well Joel Veitch has some advice to help you rev up and get back to kicki'n it.
I wonder how he got the pics of Darth Monkeybone?
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
12:49 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 39 words, total size 1 kb.
October 08, 2005
The Power of Make-up
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
08:03 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 31 words, total size 1 kb.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
05:56 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 4 words, total size 1 kb.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course. "So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" His father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! - they have had such good results with this program, that they have implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "
His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bi*ch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy"
H/T to Jack
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
05:48 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 349 words, total size 2 kb.
get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the
ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the
wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by
letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist...
He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice
things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to
push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed,
and a nurse was looking down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
05:42 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 263 words, total size 2 kb.
A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to
change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in
the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But
if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DARN HOUSE!
I'm sorry. What was your question?
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
05:36 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 186 words, total size 1 kb.
leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaking tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember you're unique..... Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
8.. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
16 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt...Then things get worse.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night
24. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
25. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday ...around age 11.
26. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
05:28 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 444 words, total size 2 kb.
October 05, 2005
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone has stolen tent."
stolen borrowed from GuyK
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
03:38 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 159 words, total size 1 kb.
October 03, 2005
Actual Announcements From Church
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister
in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the
service.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.
Strange Cosmos can be a real help when your trying to get inspiration...
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
03:31 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 304 words, total size 2 kb.
October 01, 2005
Excuse me, I have to go to the Vet, I think my dog blew a lung....
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
08:46 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 27 words, total size 1 kb.
September 24, 2005
Dear Cat,
We need to talk.
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two cats in the way. The dishes with
the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are
mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I
fallfaster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.
My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years
and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It should be such a simple change for you.
Sincerely,
I just live here.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
08:48 PM
| Comments (3)
| Add Comment
Post contains 366 words, total size 2 kb.
September 22, 2005
A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get
undressed.The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours
straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets
up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back
huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God that was great! Now I
need my money."
The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his
clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a
dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the
koala bear and it reads:
HOOKER - person who has sex for money.
The koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the
door. The hooker reads:
KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
05:11 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 193 words, total size 1 kb.
September 19, 2005
Compare and contrast, and I'm sure I'll see you at the next GOP committee meeting...Hail to thee, fellow pig!, now pardon me while I bathe my eyes to ease the burns from checking out those Democratic women.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
07:48 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 84 words, total size 1 kb.
to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said, sarcastically, "What's the matter old
timer, never done anything wild in your life?
Without batting an eye, the old man replied. "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
03:17 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 96 words, total size 1 kb.
I dunno, I think these characters may be too old and socialist indoctrinated for remedial education to be effective, Gary.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
01:56 AM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 26 words, total size 1 kb.
September 17, 2005
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the
human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
09:09 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 611 words, total size 4 kb.
September 14, 2005
House" while making his train commute home from work.
By the time he reached home,he stormed into the house
and walked directly up to hiswife, pointing his finger in her face,
he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house
and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"The Funeral Director would be my guess," said his wife.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
07:19 PM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 153 words, total size 1 kb.
September 13, 2005
Shocked by the widespread suffering of those displaced from their homes by the flooding in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.) offered to plug one of the holes in the Lake Pontchartrain levee with his own ample body.
"The Bush Administration has failed to stem the tide of this cataclysm," said Kennedy. "I have had some experience with aquatic mishaps. This experience will bolster me in this hour of desperation as I plug one of the leaks myself."
Kennedy has arranged to have the Air Force transport him by helicopter and lower him into the easternmost breach in the levee. The hope is that the senator's doughy frame will be pliable enough to conform to the hole's dimensions and halt or, at least slow, the flow of water from the lake into the city.
President Bush praised Senator Kennedy's decision. "I think it's mighty big of him to offer so much for the good of the country," said Bush. "There aren't many who could fill such a large role in this disaster."
Not everyone favors restoring the levee. Both Disney and Turner Communications expressed interest in turning New Orleans into a giant theme park. Disney has drawn up preliminary plans for an attraction it has tentatively labeled "Disaster Land." Tourists could purchase helicopter rides to view the carnage, loot stores and fish souvenirs out of the muck. Turner plans similar tourist activities, but calls its attraction "Underwater World." Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco is reportedly considering these proposals.
In other news, Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro has also offered aid. "The Cuban people know how to build boats out of any scrap material," said Castro. "There are already more than a million volunteers .
H/T to Wingless Angel
Posted by: Delftsman3 at
08:25 PM
| Comments (6)
| Add Comment
Post contains 310 words, total size 2 kb.
53 queries taking 0.1203 seconds, 188 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.
