A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Norm!

All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size
of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a
nickel.'

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-
millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion,
you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away over 45 cents?

H/T to Catfish

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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since he was a child, a man had a fear of someone hiding under his bed. So he went to a shrink and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' he said.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - Ain't nobody under there
now!!!

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

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He provided $40,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Martha turned to
her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Peter would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Mary who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Martha 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Mary exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Gwen answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church.
The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.

The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Mary computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

Another H/T to the Catfish

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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring..

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a coup le of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know..

H/T to Catfish

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From my pal Jack Keel:

The idiom "familiarity breeds contempt" meets senility, this is too human not to have a small measure of truth, it's funny.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago , and I'm scared
to death to ask the cranky miserable old bitch what her name is.

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In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5.. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work..

Play golf.

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It's a nursing home situation and Sadie sees a new guy.

Sadie: I haven't seen you before. Where have you been?

New Guy: Actually, I've been in jail for the last 25 years.

Sadie: Really, what were you in jail for?

New Guy: Killing my wife.

Sadie: So you're single!

H/T to MickySolo

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Louisiana.
And he sees a sign in front of a broken down Cajun cabin: "Talking Dog for Sale".
He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
And they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services... the US Army Special Forces.
You know the reputation of them Green Berets.
In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.
So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 human years)
And signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security.
Wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and a awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars"?
This dog is amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's such a liar!
He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Coast Guard!"

(Even at that, the dog has done more for this country than Obama !)

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

H/T To Wayne

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I'm hearing this second hand; supposedly it was a story on Fox news:

Some pro golfer supposedly said that if a Marine was in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama BinLaden, and he only had 2 bullets in his gun...

...Pelosi would be shot twice, and Reid and BinLaden would be strangled to death.

Like I said, I can't vouch for the veracity of the story, but is sure game ME a beautiful mind picture!

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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they
hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better
than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban
soldiers."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends
them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as
a huge battle is fought.

Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over
the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any
more men, it's a trap !"

"There are two of them."

****************************************************************

"no better friend, no worse enemy" SEMPER FI !

H/T Carl

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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H/T Jack

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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

H/T to my sister

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Mr. Obama authorized action against the pirates only in the case of "imminent danger" to the hostage they held. He was attempting to use diplomacy to end the situation, and the standoff had gone on for four days; thankfully, the SEAL commander on the scene took the broadest possible interpretation of his orders and gave the orders necessary to take the actions that SEALS do so very well, resulting in three dead pirates, one pirate taken prisoner, and one live hostage recovered.

The President looked Presidential in 'authorizing' the action because a Lt. Cmdr. in the Navy had the brass balls to do his job. Obama gets the credit as C-I-C, as he should (he'd also have gotten the blame had the operation gone sour), but it was in spite of his own actions rather than because of them.

I AM greatful and relieved that this situation turned out as it did, but I have to wonder; just how long can we rely on such (p)luck in ensuing encounters? Mr. Obama has shown himself to be unfit for the responsibility he holds. I only pray that those under him in the chain of command continue to do what is needed in spite of the lack of true leadership they have in their C-I-C.

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SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

LC EFA: SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

H/T to my friend EFA

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I have to admit it. My liberal friends were right.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation's Hope would deteriorate,
and sure enough, there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer
Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any
time during the Bush administration.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the US would become more deeply
embroiled in the Middle East, and sure enough tens of thousands of
additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan.

They told me if I voted for McCain, that the economy would get worse and
sure enough unemployment is approaching 8.8% and the new stimulus
packages implemented recently have sent the stock market lower than at
any time since 9-11.

They told me if I voted for McCain, we would see more "crooks" in high
ranking positions in Federal government and sure enough, several recent
cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of bribery and
tax fraud.

Well I ignored my Democrat friends in November and voted for McCain.

And they were right... all of their predictions have come true.

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