One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept
money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and
a dozen roses waiting for him at his door

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card
and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business" and
"Becoming more successful".

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:49 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 277 words, total size 1 kb.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so
she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less.

"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
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Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday; Due to the
condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas,Texas.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 157 words, total size 1 kb.

Here's some ideas for Commemorative Quarters IF they were going with "truth in advertising"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:43 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 22 words, total size 1 kb.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Remember -- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...BUT a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet
or legs. The guy says aloud, "Geesh, I wonder what
happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot responds, "I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy says. "You actually understood
and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be
a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this; how do
you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

The parrot responds, "Well, this is very
embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie
around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and
speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I
can converse with reasonable competence on almost
any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I
just can't afford that."

"Pssst", said the parrot, "truth is, nobody wants me
cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me
for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers
$20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a
great sense of humor. He's interesting. He's a great
pal. He understands everything. He sympathizes. He's
insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with
one wing. I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your
wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black
nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" The guy asks incredulously. "THEN what
happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and put
his hands under her nightie and began petting her
all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, began to kiss her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my
perch."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:33 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 415 words, total size 2 kb.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - -- people prayed."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:20 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 72 words, total size 1 kb.

Courtesy of Strange Cosmos:

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:34 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 114 words, total size 1 kb.