June 09, 2005
the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong withthem, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait forthe right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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June 08, 2005
safari in Africa, taking herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles
along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before
long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.
Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction
with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep
doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle
nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old
farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
***************************************************************
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted
down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us
know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said,
"OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband
"El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate
each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting
in the last word on this occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people
waiting to see him.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice
said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells
like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.
Now that, my friends, is getting even...
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*******************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
*******************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*******************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
*******************************************************
An F-15 pulled up alongside a C-141 up in the flight levels and managed to contact the cargo plane on the radio. After chatting a while, the fighter pilot said, "Hey, watch this!", and proceeded to do a barrel roll around the C-141.
The C-141 pilot was duly impressed, and called back, "That's nothing. Watch this..."
After two minutes of stright and level flight, the fighter pilot couldn't stand it, and said, "OK, what did you do?".
The C-141 pilot said, "I just got up, walked back to the restroom and took a piss, stretched my legs for a while, then got a cup of coffee."
*******************************************************
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:
If it is an American Airlines flight, its 3PM.
If it is Air Force, its 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, its 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, Mickey's big hand is on the 12 and Mickey's little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, its Thursday afternoon."
*******************************************************
I have a friend that used to fly out of PDK near Atlanta in the "olden days".
He knew the tower contoller personally, and one night he called him up on approach and said, "Charlie, this is N_____. Clear the field, I'm coming in on one engine."
On final approach, the tower said, "Damn you Clarence, you've only got one engine!".
*******************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
###########################################
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A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of
security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that
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June 02, 2005
During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you his last good case was a "Budweiser"
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "Duck-duck-goose"
During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.
A prison guard is shaving your head..
Every couple of minutes, he yells "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!"
and downs a shot.
He frequently gives juror number 4 the finger.
He places a large "NO REFUNDS" sign on the defense table.
He begins his closing with "As Ally McBeal once said..."
Just before he says "Your Honor", he makes little quotation marks in
the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his office reads "Practicing law since 2:30pm".
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs".
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June 01, 2005
with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
*************************************************
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
**************************************************
Energy Efficiency -- While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor. Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
**************************************************
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."
**************************************************
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