******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:03 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 237 words, total size 2 kb.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular clich for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 362 words, total size 3 kb.

US Marine Corp Rules for Gunfights

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
(Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; alw! ays win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the caliber, stance, or tactics. They will remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating.

Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfights

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfights

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.

Army Rules For Gunfights

1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

US Air Force Rules For Gunfights

1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on HBO
4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DoD & de! fense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines

US Navy Rules For Gunfights

1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn
4. Send the Marines

Hat tip to Slaglerock

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:57 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 378 words, total size 3 kb.