In response to a number of complaints that Fox doesn't show enough black and hispanic people on the network, Fox has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

H/T to Wild Thing

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:55 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

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(You've gotta love this ...)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:33 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:32 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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H/T to GuyK

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Garfield on the oil crisis



A lot of folks can't understand how we came To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical .
~~~

Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And Texas
~~~

Our DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC !!!

Any questions ???
NO?

I didn't think so.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:22 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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My favorite ex-B-i-L sent me this little tid-bit and I thought I'd share it with ya'll; it's good to know that, just maybe, there's hope for some randy fun in our "Golden Years" after all. Just plan it well enough that the nursing home staff doesn't catch on!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:16 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.' The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'? 'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:04 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Larry gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:58 PM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports
car.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:27 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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An oldie, but a goodie:

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:39 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It was fun being a baby boomer...until now. Some of the artists of the
60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accomodate baby boomers..They
include:

Herman's Hermits---Mrs Brown, you've got a lovely walker

Ringo Starr---I get by with a little help from Depends.

The Bee Gees---How can you mend a broken hip

Bobby Darin---Splish, Splash I was having a flash

Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash---I Can't see Clearly Now

Paul Simon---Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores-- -One, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Marvin Gaye---Heard It Through The Grape Nuts

Procol Harem---A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations- --Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---Denture Queen

Tony Orlando & Dawn---Knock Three Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me
Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson--On The Commode Again

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Via the Dissident Frogman, we get a view from the Eurabian Provence of Fwance on the state of the current election process....wish I had Photo-Shop skills...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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“Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who has been accused in recent days of padding her foreign policy rèsumè while First Lady, admitted today that she may have exaggerated about an encounter she said she had with al-Qaeda terror mastermind Osama bin Laden in 1998. In an appearance on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press’ on Sunday, Sen. Clinton told host Tim Russert, ‘I wrestled bin Laden in his cave in 1998 and had him pinned to the ground before the bastard got away.’ But a review of Sen. Clinton’s official White House schedule from that period revealed that the then-First Lady was nowhere in the vicinity of Mr. bin Laden on that day, but was instead greeting a group of honor roll students at Disney World in Orlando. ‘I may have misspoke about what went on that particular day,’ Sen. Clinton said today. ‘But it was a very busy time for me, what with having that knife-fight with Kim Jong-Il and all.’ Reporters peppered Sen. Clinton’s new press spokesman with questions about another purported exploit of hers, in which the senator claimed that she and a ragtag team of blue-collar drillers deflected an asteroid on a collision course with the Earth.” —Andy Borowitz

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This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling

around the White House on her hands and knees,

and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they ? ??? !!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:20 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. 'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' says Little Suzy. The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these 'democrat' kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now don't be frightened,' he said, I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'they are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But, today they have their eyes open.'

stolen borrowed from at Theodores World

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

I guess I had better try harder then !

H/T to GuyK

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:37 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:35 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:30 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

...

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Proof yet again that the female IS the deadliest of the species!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, theattraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as.......
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Oh, quit groaning I don't write this stuff,

I receive it from my warped friend Catfish and then send it on to you.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:29 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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