There is a new study just released by the American
Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel
about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

HT to GuyK

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:55 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 75 words, total size 1 kb.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the bull.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...
She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectric!"

-
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'!
My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them
new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
-
3rd Hillbilly : "that ain't nuthin'!
My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put
together!
I was going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
-
1st and 2nd Hillbillies:
"well what's so dumb about that?"
-
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 129 words, total size 1 kb.

Steve H of Hog on Ice has a new podcast to share with the world, where Roy, the donkey peep show midget, reveals that he has a new seasonal job this month.

Just be sure to remove all liquids from the area before listening!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:44 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 48 words, total size 1 kb.

A day in the Life of an Army transport driver....

Been there, done that..... can you believe I miss it? I don't know why either, but I do...

Warning: language may not be suitable for Grandma

H/T to AGT

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:49 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 43 words, total size 1 kb.

1 drop me an e mail. You have me interested in the meet in Tampa-what days and where at?

Posted by: GUYK at December 07, 2005 03:44 PM (79ZDR)

2 Tried to view the article, but the link didn't work. However, you don't need to worry about Grandma being shocked--at least not this Grandma. I used to be an Army wife, but I bave up swearing (mostly) when I had kids. But I still understand the need for strong language in certain circumstances.

Posted by: Grandma_Jo at December 08, 2005 06:49 PM (jYeZU)

3 Thanks for the heads up G-M Jo! Seems I forgot a set of quotation marks...PIMF

Posted by: delftsman3 at December 08, 2005 08:16 PM (gwxg6)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Holiday Rules

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who
cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand- alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


Remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO !
what a ride!

H/T to Jack for reminding me whats important in this season of joy and merry-making.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:17 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 515 words, total size 3 kb.

Just a few Sunday cartoons...

Ever wonder what it would have been like if Noah had had to deal with a phone?

Hmmmm wonder if you really CAN take it with you?

And finally, the ultimate fate of a lawyer...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 44 words, total size 1 kb.

Yet another one ripped off borrowed from GuyK:

A man goes into a restaurant where all the
waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a
very short skirt comes to his table and asks,
"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame
top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The
waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and
asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again
answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over
and slaps him across the face with a resounding
SMACK! and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table then leans over and
whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced'quiche.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 138 words, total size 1 kb.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 382 words, total size 2 kb.

Christmas is the4 time of year that we're supposed to reflect on the events of the last year and give thanks for out many blessings. Here's just a few thanks for some people that E-mail me from time to time:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat droppings in the
glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking passenger along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks for always correcting me with "gotchas" from "Snopes" who
knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....IF YOU CAN !

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:29 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 746 words, total size 4 kb.

Religious Golfing

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doctor's Orders

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?

Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

BA DA BUMP!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:17 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 982 words, total size 5 kb.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over
by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy
because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputy's expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop
at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a
complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,
please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me
go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

H/T GuyK

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 203 words, total size 1 kb.

I've posted this before, but it's as true now as it was then. more...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:57 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 25 words, total size 1 kb.

The top Five reasons computers must be female...

5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 102 words, total size 1 kb.

Just a little humor to lighten up a drab Monday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old woman was being interviewed and was asked "I see that you were maried four times". "Your first husband was a banker, the second a theater owner, the third a preacher, and your fourth an undertaker". "Why such disparet profesions?"

She replied that it was all due to good planning. "Oh?" said the interviewer.

"Yes", she replied. "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife were having a bitter argument, towards the end of which, the wife proclaimed: "I want to dance on your casket" to which the husband immediatly rejoined: "Great! Bury me at sea!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S & M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying, trying to think of how to handle the situation.
Finally her husband came home from work, and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it." The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wonder what which jokes I chose says about me ?!?!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 565 words, total size 3 kb.

Interesting....I looked up my domain name with the Link Popularity tool, here are the results:

Link Popularity Report
Domain www.delftsman.mu.nu
Alexa Traffic Ranking: 11617
Present in DMOZ: No
Present in Zeal: No

AlltheWeb: 1
AltaVista :56,500
Google: 0
HotBot
MSN Search: 32
Yahoo! :56,500
Link Popularity Total: 113,033

According to the tool:"A site that has a Link Popularity Score of 1,000-5,000 is considered average. A site with a Link Popularity Score of 20,000 is considered popular. Sites with a Link Popularity Score above 100,000 are Internet "Icons"."

So with a score of 113,033, I'M an "Internet Icon"!

All I have to say is that it seems that this tool has some serious flaws; but I needed the ego boost, so I'm not going to investigate any furthur and bask in the undeserved rating, at least until some schmuck comes and bursts my bubble.

H/T to GuyK for directing me to the link and giving me an ego boost when I really needed it.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:59 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 167 words, total size 1 kb.

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth
after all the conflicting medical studies:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians & French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

H/T to GuyK....Yet ANOTHER one I've stolen borrowed from him.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 134 words, total size 1 kb.

'Sanctimonious, Contemptible, Nauseating, Despicable
a Rose Hypocrite by any other name..."

Thanks Wanda, thats the best description of the DNC/ACLU/Moveon.org I have ever read!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:31 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 32 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Sorry Delftsman, the link to Wanda is harelipped. http://www.wordsonapage1.blogspot.com/

Posted by: Jack at November 26, 2005 10:58 PM (eMjB8)

2 Thanks Jack..seems that I copied one too may "http's". should have checked it better, seems that slow posting has made me lax in my attention to detail.

Posted by: delftsman3 at November 27, 2005 05:45 AM (IIhoe)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:45 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 12 words, total size 1 kb.

Here are ten funnies from GuyK. I'm really gld to have found him; saves me a lot of time searching for stuff to post, when I'm too damned lazy to come up with origianal BS.

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have
written an impressive new book. It's called
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss:
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash
and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded
up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really
chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told
me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

9. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me
a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.

10. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 239 words, total size 1 kb.

GuyK came up with this little gem. You HAVE to love an ethnic joke that reinforces an unfounded stereotype with such simple elegance.

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some
Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me
ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me
if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would
you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a
taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"

The clerk says "Well, no."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all
right then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because
I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

Then there is the obligitory Gay joke:

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just
put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you.

Put the tray up, Bitch."

AND then there was this one:

Two medical students were walking along the street when
they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has
Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man
surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in
class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you
walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could
yo tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me
what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki
Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought......... but you're
wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:
"I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."

Whenever you need a laugh, or a demonstration of clearheaded political thought, Guy's place should be on your list of places to go.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:02 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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