An honest man was being tailgated by a
stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just
in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the
crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through
the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the
horn, screaming in frustration as she missed
her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a
tap on her window and looked up into the
face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with
her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she
was searched, finger printed, photographed,
and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with
her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you
were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at
him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper
sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
Fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

. . priceless

H/T to Jack

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After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me uh piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly. But where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

*****************************************************

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the of ferings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

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This is done by the chip monks.

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Didn't see it comin' did ya?!?!

H/T to Catfish

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A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I was walking downtown the other day near one of those hotels where visiting celebraties stay and I happened to find a wallet. Well, being the good samaritan that I am, I opened it to see if I could see who's it was so I could return it.

Seems it belonged to someone named Dean. A Mr. H. Dean to be exact. From Vermont, according to his driver's license. Someone from the Mayor's office said they'd make sure he got it back, since the Mayor and this Dean guy are acquainted or something.

I hope he gets it back soon. I'm sure he'd like to have it back, especially this card.

Seems he has only 5 more viewings before he gets in for free.

To the movie, that is. I can't vouch for the Mayor.

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Once again, Wild Thing demonstrates her artistry with photoshop to illustrate a salient point...America CAN do better!

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A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and some how manages to get a
taxi immediately.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during
a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He
could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced lik! e a Broadway star.
Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold
in his prime. He was something"

"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a
computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to
eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood
blacks out."

"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!"

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"After he died, I married his wife."

H/T to Catfish

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Dam Yankee posited what WW2 would have been like if it had been played like an online gamers session.

"If World War Two had been an online Real Time
Strategy game, the chat room
traffic would have gone something like this:"

more...

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This cartoon pretty much demonstrates Sen. "Splash" Kennedy's expertise at questioning...Too bad Alito didn't respond just this way.

MaryJo Kopechni is still unavailible for comment.

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You should have grown up during the twenties You are cool, sophisticated and hip – even by today’s standards. You like things before they are considered cool, and you like them long afterwards. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

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Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,so he
sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a
beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl,the
manager,to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then
she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,
and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"'

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Here's the story of the Arsonist Rodent... "Revenge of the Rodent"© Think it would make a good movie title?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:28 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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H/T to Lucianne

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Vice President Dick Cheney gets a round of applause after addressing troops at a rally at Fort Leavenworth Friday, Jan. 6, 2006, in Leavenworth, Kan.

"I'm using a cane today, and it's driving the press nuts. (Laughter.) They keep asking my staff what happened to the Vice President, is it serious? And so I said, no, Secretary Rumsfeld bit me in the ankle. (Laughter.) Not to worry. (Laughter.) But don't tell him I said that. (Laughter.) "

H/T to Wild Thing

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:33 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I found this over at GuyK's place, and as a legal immigrant/naturalized citizen myself, I find it particularly poignant:

I think Guy has it right when he opines that one effective way of stemming such immigration is to stop it from the emplyers side by instituting LARGE fines on those that employ illegals. No jobs, no illegals. Simple cause and effect.
It might not stop it totally, there are always those that believe that they will "get away with it", but it would be a large step forward in the border war, not to mention, providing some extra checks preventing terrorists such easy access into the country as they now have.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:32 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Wild Thing is the best at Photoshop I've ever seen, as demonstrated by this little example I ripped off borrowed from her site:

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Finally, someone has come out with a 100 % bipartisan
political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes
from New York State:

2008 - "RUN, HILLARY, RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper
Republicans put it on the front bumper.

H/T to Catfish

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Bubba Knows Everyone!

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone that there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton, "his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

H/T to Jack

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I love Blond jokes, and Samantha Burns has the BEST ONE EVER!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:48 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Thanks for the link. Any interest in a blogroll exchange?

Posted by: sam at January 11, 2006 01:47 AM (/HV50)

2 I'm pointing to here with my post!

Posted by: andy at January 12, 2006 05:08 PM (TV3yM)

3 Priceless! I've never heard a blonde joke so funny in my life.

Posted by: Temujin at January 18, 2006 04:23 PM (u3DY0)

4 best blonde joke I have ever seen ) I'm on the 6th page right now

Posted by: Funny Guy at February 18, 2006 10:18 AM (uP9SF)

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Truth in advertising comes to panhandling. I might be tempted to assist this man in his "research", as at least he was honest in his goals.

Hunting is a brutal activity...you never know when the hunter may become the hunted.

Finally!, a totally accurate weather indicater.

Democrats introduced new military cost-cutting proposals in weapons systems in Congress today.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:01 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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As the New Year begins, here are just a few things to keep in mind:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.

Number 8 - Ladies: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky .. not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial
tax cut saves you 30 cents?

Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department
of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

-------------------------------------------------------
H/T to Catfish

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