As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:20 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Courtesy of Strange Cosmos:

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the Admittance Policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day you died.

The policy would go into effect promptly at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person arrived at the gates of
Heaven.

The gatekeeper Angel, remembering the new policy, said to the man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment
on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair - but her lover
was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife,
half naked, was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

"Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he fell to the ground. Wouldn't you know it? He landed in some
trees and bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. Now in a rage, I
went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw
at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the
side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the
moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel thought for a moment. Technically, even tho it was a
crime of passion, the guy did have a bad day, so the Angel announced, "Okay,
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven!" and let him in.

A few seconds later, the next arrival, to the Angel's surprise, was
Donald Trump! "Mr.Trump, before I can let you in, I need to
hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem - but you're not going to believe this. I
was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I'd been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and fell over the
side. Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine, but, all of a sudden, this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well - of
course I fell! I hit some trees and bushes which broke my fall, so I didn't
die right away. As I'm lying there, face up on the ground, unable to
move and in excruciating pain, I see this lunatic push his refrigerator
- of all things! - off the balcony. It landed on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel quietly laughed to himself as Trump finished his story
and thought "I could get used to this new policy!" "Very well," the
Angel announced. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he let Trump
enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton arrived at the gate. The Angel
was almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war
poured through the Angel's head. Finally he said, "Mr. President, please - tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton said, "Okay. Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator ... "
. .

H/T to Jack

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I found a new product whilst perusing the wisdom at the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. Now if I can only find a local supplier.....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:47 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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His most Magnificant Rottiness, Darth Misha 1 had a problem...it seems that his pet pig, MuHAMmed, had gotten too large to comfortably roam the halls of the Imperial Palace.

Well, our dear Emperor DOES have a crack staff of scientists, and they managed to shrink the Imperial Porcine down to a much more manageable size, but then there arose a new problem; where could poor MuHAMmed rest his Imperial snout? His old pad was now much too large.

Our Emperor, ever the resourceful one, hit upon the perfect solution for a new resting place:

Sleep easy, MuHAMmed, and if the burlap is a little rough, I'm sure the Emperor can find you a nice thick prayer rug to replace it.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:25 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die."

H/T to Jack

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:33 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Poor Max, He HATES golf, but what can he do when the Boss wants to go to the links??

How would YOU caption this?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:33 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Just to lighten things up a little, just a little humor.

Are They Male Or Female?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought we'd say male. But consider,
it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Jack, one of my favorite readers sent me this e-mail...and having been born near Van Gogh's old environs, I got a good laugh out of it, hope you found it as amusing as I did.

Van Gogh's Family Tree:

Just in case you do not know who Van Gogh was, he was a very well-known
and famous artist - did many valuable paintings. I found this very
delightful and entertaining. Hope you do, too.
====
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -------------------------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------------U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------- A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --------------------------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van ---Winnie Bay Gogh

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Now THAT"S what call a "Blow"pop!

And a real DEEP throat!.

And some day's it just doesn't pay to get out of bed....

WHY we fight....(okay,...You KNOW how political I can get! LOL)

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Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:53 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 OK, we need a source here. BTW you're getting close to 20000 hits on sitemeter! Congrats!

Posted by: phnxfire54 at June 25, 2005 12:22 PM (5voCM)

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A man standing in line at a check out counter of a
grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman
behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't
remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I
first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,"
and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself,
"What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't
keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face.

"I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:41 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favourite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered enough strength to get out of bed. Leaning against the
wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his bony fingers to grab the
handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper,
were literally hundreds of his favourite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the
cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly
made its way toward a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

As Acidman says: WIMMIN!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students :

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what
would you say to her?"

Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p***."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

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Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got
Male!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:43 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
~Mark Twain~

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
~G. Gordon Liddy~

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
~Ronald Reagan (1986)~

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
~Winston Churchill~

There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
~Mark Twain~

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:32 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:16 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I saw this over at Curmudgeonisms and just HAD to steal borrow it.

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, so Geri kept hinting to her husband, Bob, that he should get it fixed. But, somehow, the message never sank in.

Finally Geri thought of a clever way to make her point. When Bob arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments.

When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say Bob will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

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From the crazy guys at Pass the Ammo, WHO said the Brits have no sense of humor?

And welcome to the Blogroll, Chad, Krunk, and JJ! (who knows, someday, maybe may actually be an honor! LOL)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:29 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Europe is the most secular place in the world today, but even there, they have the concepts of a Heavan and a Hell:

Euro-heaven has British cops, French cooks, and German politicians

Euro Hell has German cops, Brit cooks, and French politicians

Hat Tip to Alex

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