A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

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And I thought my local Municiple course had tough rules!!

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There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Bosun that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change
their underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to
it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The
Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.
"Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and
Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL:
Someone may be promising "change" in Washington, but don't count on
things smelling any better!

H/T Nancy

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic ' the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!

H/T Catfish

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Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful' says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone".

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdulla says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

“ There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

''There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab

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The pResident wants to pay for everything else for Illegals, why not this?

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for one hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

With a heavy accent he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No,' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'' So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way ... Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies, 'You send bill to Government!'

H/T to George M.

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One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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A lonely widow, age 80, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I ?'

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

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IT'S PRETTY UNLIKELY THAT YOU, OR ANY OF US FOR THAT MATTER, WILL BE TRAVELING THRU OR ACROSS SOUTH DAKOTA THIS WEEKEND.

BUT JUST IN CASE; I-90 WILL BE CLOSED THIS FRIDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.

THEY ARE HAULING A 200 TON LUMP OF COAL FROM PENNSYLVANIA TO SOUTH DAKOTA SO THEY CAN ADD pRESIDENT OBAMA TO MOUNT RUSHMORE.

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It was 1947...

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Barbara Boxer
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.

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On the day Farrah passed away she went to heaven. God welcomed her and asked her what she wanted most in the world. She answered she wanted all the children in world to be safe.....then Michael Jackson died.

H/T Lil Sis

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"The Pentagon deployed missile interceptors to Honolulu on Friday after reports that the North Koreans are planning to fire a missile at Hawaii. The president's birthplace is safe. It'll take them ten years to build a missile that can reach Kenya." --comedian Argus Hamilton
Mr pResident, show us the birth certificate !

El Rushbo at his pithiest:

"You know, most people, when they read '1984,' were scared. When Barack Obama read it, he started taking notes." --radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh

Annie C hits the liberal philosophy nail right on the head:

"Whether it is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Weather Underground, Central Park rapists, Mumia Abu-Jamal, Jim Jones and the People's Temple, welfare recipients, Palestinian terrorists, murderers, abortionists, strippers or common criminals -- liberals always take the side of the enemies of civilization against civilization. In the view of The New York Times, every criminal trial is a shocking miscarriage of justice -- except the ones that actually are shocking miscarriages of justice." --columnist Ann Coulter

On government competing with private enterprise:

"Having the government compete against the private sector is kind of like my seven-year-old daughter's lemonade stand competing against McDonalds." --Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) Yes Virginia, bureaucrats really ARE that incompetent!

Last, but not least:

"The polite explanation for Barack Obama's diffidence on Iran is that he doesn't want to give the mullahs the excuse to say the Great Satan is meddling in Tehran's affairs. So the president's official position is that he's modestly encouraged by the regime's supposed interest in investigating some of the allegations of fraud. Also, he's heartened to hear that OJ is looking for the real killers." --columnist Mark Steyn

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Grandma is 98 years old and still drives her own car.. She writes:

My Dearest Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my back bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is. I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, reached out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

H/T Jack Keel

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A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them
were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different
again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a
Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron
and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an
Obama fan."

Out of the mouths of babes...

H/T Catfish

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A group of Kentucky second, third, and
fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on
a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisvillerace
track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the
men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he
was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race."

H/T to Catfish

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