In my never ending quest to offend everyone, I decided to pass on this E-mail I got from someone with obviously a little too much time on his hands....

Yo Momma is SOOOO Fat...

When she dances she makes the band skip

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave
her 13 years to live

She puts mayonnaise on aspirin

Her butt has its own congressman

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard

When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts

Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph

Her driver's license says "picture continued on other side"

The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

All the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy:
240 patrons or Yo mama"

When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton

When she gets in an elevator, it has no choice but to go down

She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her

I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side

They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side
to get her through

Her nickname is "daaamn!!"

She has to iron her pants on the driveway

She's on both sides of the family

When I yell "Kool-aid," she comes crashing through the wall

She could sell shade

When she crosses the street, cars look out for her

People jog around her for exercise

She gets runs in her jeans

Her blood type is Ragu

When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an
estimate

If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!

She has to put her belt on with a boomerang

When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party

She can't even jump to a conclusion

She went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

She was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of
gas

and of course......

yo momma is so fat that when she wears her Malcolm X t- shirt,
helicopters land on her back.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Mamamontezz has put up a thought-provoking Poem on the situation in Georgia involving yet another victom of the judicial system. Follow the links, get angry, and put out your thoughts on this travesty.

In short, we have an elderly woman with a medical problem, not currently life threatening, who has a living will that states she wishes to be cared for, but has been placed in Hospice without the benifit of a feeding tube or hydration, because her "oh so loving" grand-daughter feels that it's time for "her to go to Jesus". The patients closest living relatives (a brother and sister) objected, so the grand-daughter got a judge to grant her guardianship (in a manner patently against Georgia state law) to allow her to continue the starvation/dehydration course that she set for her Grandmother. Mind you, this woman is NOT comotose, does NOT have a life threatening illness (other than the treatment her "guardian" imposes), AND has a living will stating that she wishes food and water unless she becomes vegatative. Yet the Judge (without a law degree, or seemingly, any knowledge of Georgia law) sides with the person who wishes to starve this woman to death.

Terri Schiavo was just the start down that slippery slope, it seems that the Judiciary wants to accelerate our progress down that slope at an ever faster pace. The first caqse is always the hardest....now there is precedent to quicken the descent....May God have mercy on us all, for we are definately not showing it to each other.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 12:26 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Last night, as I was lying in bed reading a Xanth novel prior to wending my way to dreamland and enjoying the soft purr coming from Lucy, one of our cats lying on top of the clean laundry in the basket at the end of the bed, I observed another little face peeking out from the other side of the basket.

It was Denita, Rodent escape artist extrodinaire, who has been causing havoc about the Citidal for the last four days after her latest escape from the spacious cage she shares with Beth. It seems that she enjoys the taste of data cables, causing us to lose our DSL connection for two days. Worse, we only discovered the real cause of the disconnect after SBC had sent a tech out to ascertain the nature of our outage....

I slipped out from under the covers as quietly and smoothly as I could (at last all those times that I came home late from an establisment of terpsechordian ecydesiasts stood me in good stead for a moral purpose) and approached the basket from behind. Denita must have noticed some movement, as she was attempting to hide underneath Lucy, with only her tail hanging out. Lucy never moved during this whole episode. A quick grab, and I had eight ounces of enraged Rattus Norvegicus hanging down in front of my face. She tried to double back on herself to give me (to her reckining, a well deserved) a nip, but I was prepared for it and was too fast for HER instead of the reverse this time.
I conveyed her to the little travel cage and put her back into confinement, until such time as I can ensure that the larger cage that she shares with Beth will resist her talents at escape.

She is NOT a happy camper...she was having far too much fun chasing the cats about the Citidal and chewing through vital data cords to be happy in an enclosed environment.

I think that we'll have to get an aquarium type enclosure to prevent future free-ranging. Harder to clean, but worth it to not worry about unauthorised access to the Citidal. I think Beth was delight to see her cagemate back, even if at present they are just in side by side enclosures. I never knew that Rats were such social creatures, but they truly aren't happy being alone. Denita was content with her interaction with the cats, but Beth almost seemed to go into a state of depression. She did a backflip when she saw Denita in the cage next to her, and made some excited chitters at her.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Bill Clinton yet again proves just what kind of a man he is...a self-serving egotist.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:36 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Yep! There's no bias in the MSM news we're getting out of Iraq....after all, we would have loved to have Edward R. Murrow reporting on the war from behind the German lines in WWll, wouldn't we?

Of course, the Moonbats would say that the media were only showing "both sides" in the conflict....funny how all the reporting thus far seems to highlight the "insurgents" Islamofacists side of things in three provences out of 14; with almost no news of any reconstruction efforts by Co-allition Forces or "success" stories of everyday Iraqis in the other 11 provences though isn't it?

We see stories of Iraqis getting killed murdered while waiting in line to join the new Iraqi military or police forces, because it shows the "insurgents" as a "force to be reckoned with", but little to no news on how these events only cause the Iraqis to try to join these institutions in increased numbers, because it might show the "insurgents" to be what they are, fanatics in a losing cause.

If a cameraman was standing by the side of one of the insurgants Islamofacists during a gun battle with the Marines....I find that it would seem that the cameraman was trying to get a story that slanted towards those scum, rather than just covering an event....of course, maybe it's just MY biases showing in that opinion. I guess it's unpatriotic of me to ask just how a member of the 4th Estate came to be with a group of the enemy engaged in a gun battle with Marines? (Free speech and total equality of views from all sides and all that).

To me, treating with the enemy in time of war is ipso facto treason, but I guess I'm just too "uneducated" or "provincial in my views" to get the nuances involved....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:24 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I was exstatic to see THIS. Spammers are living proof that Satan does exist, IMHO. It's good to see one get his just desserts for a change. I think there should be a way to make it all illegal, not just spamming under an alias, such as in this case....

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:51 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and

each time the thunder boomed he
watched her jump.

She looked across the room and
admired his strong appearance... and

wished that he would take her in his
arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.

She wanted that... more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power
went out... She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was
cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist
but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on... as did their growing
passion. And
there came a moment when each knew
that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand...
So consumed were they in their passion
that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera...

>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>

>>>>>

>>>

>>

>

....And just what were YOU thinking????

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:26 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Well, sorry I haven't been able to post anything for the last two days, we had a slight connectivity problem with the DSL line....as in the connection was non-existant. Seems that one of our pets that decided that the data cable looked really tasty and ate a piece out of it. Of course we didn't discover it until AFTER the tech had been called out to check our outside lines.

Then it was a matter of finding some old passwords we haven't used since we first set up the system, to be able to reboot the DSL modem. Don't you just LOVE modern technology?

I will return after I get reaquainted with whats going on in the world and try to put up a semi-decent post....meanwhile I have a Rat to nab.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife, mow the lawn.

Amanda from next door was so upset at this that she came over and
shouted "you should be hung."

I took a slug from my bottle of Corona, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly at this
nosey woman and calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

After a few days I felt really bad so I went and bought my wife a
riding mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got,
I have attached a picture.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Bookmark the Cassandra Page for your handy reference page on MSMS bias, and it's myriad forms.
It's all laid out for you, with examples of each type and ways to determine "hidden" spin and bias by ommision.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Doggeral Pundit has a little verse constituting fair warning to those of you that have fallen sway to the class-warfare meme of those that constantly harp that the "Rich" don't pay their "fair share". Remember it when they reclassify YOU in a higher bracket!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The Florida Legislature has passsed a bill that allows a person to meet force with force, even when it occurs outside the home. Prior to this legislation, it was incumbant on a person assailed to "make reasonable efforts to retreat" from confrontation.

The GFW's, as usual, are predicting a bloodbath to ensue in the cities of Florida if the bill is signed into law by Gov. Bush. And, as usual, I am positive that the facts will refute their contentions several years from now.

Every time legislation passes that reaffirms the individuals right to protect themselves from attack, the GFW's trot out the same dire predictions of "bloodbaths" and "wild West mentalities" running rampant, yet in every case, the result of such legislation has resulted in the lowering of violent crime rates in every instance. Yes there are a few incidents of criminals getting their just rewards, but the victoms in those incidents have been found to be justified in their responses in every case, and susequently, criminals are more circumspect in their predations, knowing that the risk to themselves in their actions have been greatly increased. As in any business, criminals weigh risk to benefit ratios in their decicions to commit crimes, the weaker their target is, the more likely they are to prey upon them.

To say that an individual has a duty to retreat in the face of violent crime is to give power to the violent criminal, and to suggest that an individual has to retreat in the face of aggression within their own home is to negate the very foundation of the idea that we have the right to be safe (defend) in our person afforded us by our Declaration of Independance....Remember? That right to pursue LIFE, Liberty, and Happiness?

Congratulations to the Florida Legislature to bringing common sense back into the law. I trust that Gov. Bush will sign the legislation, to the betterment of all law abiding Flordians.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Here IS a MUST READ for those that stil believe that College campi are a bastion of free thought and debate.

Here is just a taste:

"The long term perspective of this is rather disturbing. In issue after issue, the liberal college professor is very critical of America and the values that it stands for. I have heard American college professors tell me – or students – that we cannot say whether our way of government is better than what they had in, e.g., Iraq under Saddam Hussein. This goes hand-in-hand with the Euro-phoria that many campus liberals are caught up in: American government, American way of life, is liable to all sorts of criticism, while much of the rest of the world gets a free pass."

This Liberal indoctrination of our best and brightest bodes ill for our country in the coming years; we can only trust that these young people will come to see the fallacies presented to them by these ultra Libs as what they are, FALLACIES, and rebel against the Academic Liberal Orthodoxy in the end.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:10 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Hugh Hewitt has a good piece demonstrating the MSM's ignorance of the internal workings of the Roman Catholic Church. They seem to look on the Church as a social welfare organization that is beholding to the vagries of an everchanging social morality du jour. His Holiness was not as conservative as the media would have you believe, he just held the ground for the core values of the Church in the face of those that would bend the Church to the fluidic morality of the situational ethicists and Humanists. I did not always agree with His Holiness on some issues, but on the core issues, I believe He was correct.

In some ways, I am more conservative than He was, I still believe that switching to the Vulgar Mass was a mistake, but that is just a matter of form, not a core value. I disagreed with Him on birth control, but I could see his reasoning, and believed He had a valid point, just that the exingencies of modern life required a bending of orthodoxy in that case. On abortion He was correct. On the sex scandals that plauged the American Church, he was remiss...although I believe that by that time, he was not in the best of health and not totally in "the loop" of what was actually occurring. People forget that, in many ways, the Papacy is a golden cage, many decisions are carried out on levels below the Pope without his being aware of the totality of the situation, He was still remiss, as it is his responsibility in the end, but I am willing to allow him the benefit of the doubt unless and untill I can ascertain just how involved he really was in the cover-up.

John Paul ll was a prolific writer, and it will be decades before the extant of his knowledge will truly be plumbed for it's wisdom. The fact is that he was a practical man that still managed to keep his spiritual core intact and strong, it will be a long time untill we have the privalege of seeing his like again.

"A flame rescued from dry wood has no weight in it's luminous flight yet lifts the heavy lid of night".

Today is Mamamontezz's Birthday, so I don't have the time to blog, even if I had the energy after fighting this damned Bronchitis....go over and wish her a all the best, it would be the best present ever to get a bunch of comments for the day!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I'm sick and tired of everything serious and mournful, so I'm just going to post some humor for the rest of the day. No more about Terri Schiavo or Pope John Paul ll, god rest both of their souls. No more about Michael Schiavo, may he suffer as did his wife.

Some humor, maybe a little warped by some people's standards, but I thought they were funny anyway, and since this is MY Citidal, if you don't like these little tidbits, too bad, so sad for you. Besides, I have to clear some of these out of my inbox

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:38 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Thud and The Mammogram are my choices, too funny, thanks for brightening my day.

Posted by: Jack at April 03, 2005 06:48 PM (/Qf+F)

2 Well glory be, these sure have brightened up my day. You know I'm gonna have steal a couple of them to share with my blog buddies. It's nice to take a breather now and then.

Posted by: wanda at April 05, 2005 08:04 AM (1ivbm)

3 Thanks for the giggle

Posted by: Theresa at April 05, 2005 06:23 PM (nDaxF)

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I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step
into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this
gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes
a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than
60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over
a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt
backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me,
half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said.
"Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps........

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:35 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and
yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps,throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
shout,WHO'S HORNY!?!" and she acts like she is asleep every time.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it's fair - given that you are blind - that you know five things:

#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

#3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter.

#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:18 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they
walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then
he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch
hiking,he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down
the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he
remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.

Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"thud."

Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father.

I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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