February 19, 2007
It's been too damned long since I had the muse hit me to post, and I apologize to ya'll, but being at TampaFest has gotten the juices going and the interest tweaked.
Beth A and I had quite an adventure just getting here, and there were several times that I had the feeling that the blog gods were angry with me for lack of posting and were putting the kibosh on trying to associate with those that were more consistent with their submissions on the blog altar.
Suffice it to say that they relented in the end and we finally arrived at the location where the Empire was strong in force.
I proceeded to try to make up for the last 6 months of sobriety in the shortest time possible and halfway succeeded in that goal.....at least I was far enough gone to inflict my voice in (attempted) song with LC Cheapshots' Karaoke program, much to the pain of everyone within a two mile radius. I was then informed of the pleasures of a midnight dip in the pool (self preservation of their eardrums perhaps?)followed by a very nice session in the hot tub with my best friend and Radical Redneck.
Due to the circumstances that delayed our initial flight to this delightful locale, BethA and I had to extend our visit by one day beyond the extent of the lease on the temporary Rottweiler headquarters and we were wondering where we would spend that extra time after the rest of the contingent had dispersed to their various outposts when GuyK and his Sweet Thing came to the rescue with an offer to put up at their domicile and the possibility of a little shrimp drowning session in Tampa Bay, weather permitting. BethA and I wanted to treat Guy and Penny to a good dinner, and he's right; Penny IS a cheap date, she wanted to go to Pizza Hut instead of anything fancy....great time to eat good Pizza in the company of good friends.
Well, I am informed it's time to try to drown some shrimp and try to outdo some tourist trap operators on the cost of their unique wares to get some souvenirs for those family members that we left pining away in the cold snows of Indiana. I'll try to put up something more a little later. As GuyK says "ya'll come back, heah?"
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January 30, 2007
Three men stood at St. Peter's Gate. awaiting admission to heaven--A Catholic priest,a Baptist minister, and a Charismatic preacher. St. Peter checked his roster and said, "Oh, I'm sorry gentlemen,your quarters are not ready yet. Tell you what I'll do" --
and he got on the phone with Satan and asked if he could accomodate them down there untill their quarters were ready in Heaven. Satan reluctantly agreed.
However at the end of their second day in Hell, Satan contacted St. Peter, saying, "You HAVE GOT to come get these guys---The Catholic is forgiving everybody; the Baptist is saving every one, and the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning!."
H/T to my Mother-in-Law
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Which art in barrels
Hallowed by they drink
Thy will be drunk
(As I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter and the lager
For ever and ever
Barmen
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January 27, 2007
When God created a United States Marine, it was into the sixth day of overtime. An angel appeared and said, “You’re having a lot of trouble with this one. What’s wrong with the standard model?”
And the Lord replied, “Have you seen the specs on this order? It has to be able to think independently, yet be able to take orders; have the qualities of both a military mind and a compassionate heart; be a leader of junior Marines and learn from seniors; run on black coffee; handle critical ops without a Military Procedure Manual; be able to manage a difficult subordinate, an irate supervisor and a demanding OIC; have the patience of a saint and six pairs of hands, not to mention the strength of three its size.” The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands - no way!”
And the Lord answered, “Don’t worry, we’ll make other Marines to help. Besides, it’s not the hands which are causing the problem. It’s the heart. It must swell with pride when other Marines do well, sustain the incredible hardship of combat, beat on soundly when it’s too tired to do so, and be strong enough to continue to carry on when he’s given all he’s had.”
“Lord,” said the angel touching the Lord’s sleeve gently, “Come to bed!”
“I can’t,” said the Lord. “I’m so close to creating something unique. Already I have one who can complete a 26-mile forced march with full pack, handle a 9mm and an M16 with astounding accuracy, conduct land navigation in the dark, and operate field communications.”
The angel circled the model of the Marine very slowly. “It’s too serious,” she sighed.
“But tough,” said the Lord excitedly, “You cannot imagine what this Marine can do or endure.”
“Can it feel?” asked the angel.
“Can it feel!” replied the Lord. “It loves the Corps and country like no other!”
Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the Marine’s cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told you you’re trying to put too much into this model.”
“That’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “That’s a tear.”
“What’s it for?” asked the angel.
“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, frustration, pain, loneliness and pride.”
“You’re a genius!” exclaimed the angel.
The Lord looked at her somberly and replied, “I didn’t put it there.”
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Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can -
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Sure sounds like ME, Catfish.........other than the gender.
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I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!" The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles,"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but as I swerved to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this car!!! If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a vet.
H/T to Catfish
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January 23, 2007
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Sure hope they beat the Chicago Bears!
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Glad to see your blogging, D-man!
[duck][run]
January 18, 2007
And this is the hostess for an American morning T.V. talk show...
To enroll in your nearest language school to learn Italian, call:
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used
to beat him with died at the scene.
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She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk,
takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
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I didn't know!
How could we?
Did you know that 47 countries' have reestablished their embassies in Iraq?
Did you know that the Iraqi government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people?
Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated,
364 schools are under rehabilitation,
263 new schools are now under construction
and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq?
Did you know that Iraq's higher educational structure consists of 20 Universities,
46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers,
all currently operating?
Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January 2005 for the re-established Fulbright program?
Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational?
They have 5 - 100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment.
Did you know that Iraq's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft
(under Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers?
Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando Battalion?
Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000
fully trained and equipped police officers?
Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq
that produce over 3500 new officers each 8 weeks?
Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq?
They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals, 83 railroad stations,
22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical facilities.
Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5
have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations?
Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school by mid October?
Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq
and phone use has gone up 158%?
Did you know that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations?
Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004?
Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a televised debate recently?
OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW!
WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW?
OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US!
Instead of reflecting our love for our country,
we get photos of flag burning incidents at Abu Ghraib
and people throwing snowballs at the presidential motorcades.
Tragically, the lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes:
It is intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States
thus minimizing consequent support,
and it is intended to discourage American citizens.
---- Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense web site.
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January 08, 2007
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!
H/T to Catfish
Delftsman3
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December 31, 2006
Delftsman3
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December 29, 2006
Ding Dong, the wicked witch asshole is dead.
Saddam Hussein attained room temperature at 0600 local Iraqi time by having his neck stretched by a short rope and a long drop...far too easy an end for such a brutal man, but at least a definative end.
I, for one, celebrate the removal of a piece of pond scum that masqueraded as a man, but the apologists and moral equivilests are already hard at work trying to turn it around to make it seem as if those of us that opposed the Islamofacist trash that was Saddam Hussein are the perpetrators of evil.
Mr. Hanania, I find that in some ways you are even MORE reprehensible than Saddam. At least HE was an honestly evil man, but YOU are much more insidious, and in that respect, even more dangerous.
Rope, Tree, Islamofacist Facilitator....some assembly required.
F.E.T.E.
Delftsman3
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December 25, 2006
T housands of years ago,
R evealed by prophets of the past,
U nder the dark and starry night,
E mmanuel was born at last.
C overed in His swaddling clothes,
H onor was given to the newborn King,
R epresenting peace and goodwill to all men,
I tÂ’s because of Him that the angels did sing.
S ent by King Herod to find Him,
T hree wise men were led by a star,
M yrrh, gold and frankincense were given,
A s gifts from the men from afar.
S tanding in awe at the manger,
M agi worshipped and gave praise joyfully,
E ventually this child would grow older,
A nd give His life for you and for me.
N ow as we set apart a special day of the year,
I n remembrance for all who believe,
N ever forget why our Father did send Him,
G odÂ’s gift is the greatest weÂ’ll ever receive.
Delftsman3
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December 23, 2006
surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,
because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped
out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six
children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck
there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed
kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses
at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went
so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a
success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the
first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
Delftsman3
H/T to Catfish
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December 19, 2006
I'm a Lotus Elise!
You believe in maximum performance and minimum baggage. You like to travel light and fast, hit the corners hard, and dance like there's no tomorrow.
"Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
-*- Yeah, I know that these tests are just for fun, but they sure pegged me on this one!
Delftsman3
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Delftsman3
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December 18, 2006
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours
to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very
bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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